UW-Madison Confessions Creator Threatened

A student who completely represents the UW student body was violently threatened with death today.

Screen shot 2013-04-30 at 1.42.08 AM

 

This is awful and should be taken completely seriously. Hopefully the matter resolves itself soon.

It really bothers me that people would say inflammatory things over the internet. I am offended and know that the Creator would never do anything of the sort.

If you aren’t familiar with UW-Confessions, here’s a few examples of the warmth and joy that has been spread around campus due to the Creator. First, some thoughts on race, gender, sexuality, and diversity:

Here are some confessions about the humility of the Creator himself:

Now some confessions about Madison’s very diverse political atmosphere:

7 Worst Prime Numbers

I have a minor in math and this is what I used it for. Prime numbers are numbers that have no integer factors. 6 is divisible by 2 and 3 so it can’t be prime. 53 is prime because you can’t divide it by any integers. 53 is a perfectly nice prime number. Here are the prime numbers I hate.

5

So fucking obvious. Why don’t you try to be more interesting? I guess you’re the only prime that ends with a 5, but you’re skating on thin ice.

51

Not actually prime! You try to look prime, but you’re obviously a multiple of 17.

17

Way to help out 51 you piece of shit.

41

You act like you’re so sexy (and while technically there is another prime number which differs from 41 by 6, making you a sexy prime), but you’re no where near as sexy as 73 (who is in veritable gangbang with 61, 67, and 79).

Fermat Primes

Way to find a difficult way to blow up numbers. Only 12 Fermat Numbers can be confirmed to be prime or nonprime and only five of them are actually prime! Yeesh. Also Fermat, your prime test fails for Carmichael Numbers. Get a new profession, Fermat.

69691

Yeah, real mature. Grow up.

1999

The same year that Lou Bega released Mambo No. 5 (a song about another hatable prime).

7 Rules For A Successful Double Date

I like my dates like I like my tea: with two honeys. Whatever. You probably already knew this, but Val and I are huge fans of double dates.

Val, Chris, and myself on a double date [my date not pictured]

Myself, Chris, and Val on a double date [my date not pictured]

You name the place, and we’ve been there on a double date. Giordano’s? Double date! Museum of Science and Industry? Double date! Simply put: we’re pros, so I’ve compiled a list of tips to help you if you ever go on a double date. Good luck!

A double date that didn't go great (I felt kind of excluded)

A double date that didn’t go great (I felt kind of excluded)

1. Dress The Part

A double date isn’t just a chance to have a good time, it’s also an opportunity to show the other couple that you’re in a happier/healthier relationship. The best way to show this is obviously by coordinating with your date to make sure you two are wearing matching outfits. So go out and buy a pair of matching overalls or maybe just wear the same colors. Either way, the other couple will be beside themselves with jealousy.

2. Conversation Cards

Whether one of the couples is meeting for the first time, or you’ve all known each other all your lives, a lull in the conversation can bring a double date into a dangerous boredom. To combat this, bring a set of (laminated) conversation cards to help move the conversation along onto a more interesting topic! Here’s a few that I bring to every double date:

  • What is your favorite color/are you colorblind?
  • Which areas of politics are you the most passionate about?
  • Roe or Wade?
  • Sports?
  • What’s the deal with laundromats?

3. Alcohol

There’s no social lubricant like alcohol (well, possibly ecstasy), so be sure to grab some brewskis for your double date! If one of the members of the group doesn’t drink/is an alcoholic, just try to convince them just to have the one drink. You’ll be saying hello to fun in no time! I’d strongly advise getting the Margaritas at Chili’s.

4. Don’t hit on the other persons date

With all that alcohol in your system, you may be tempted to hit on your friend’s date in order to “upgrade” date partners. This is generally frowned upon and rarely works. This is (one of) the reasons why I’m not allowed back in the chemistry fraternity on campus.

5. Choose the right movie

A film just might be the perfect way to spend a double date, but make sure it’s going to work well for everyone. While Passion of the Christ, Shawshank Redemption, A Clockwork Orange, and There Will Be Blood are excellent movies (and I’d recommend them for  experienced couples going on a double date), I’d stick with something easy to digest such as Napoleon Dynamite or Wayne’s World 2. The movie should be relaxing enough to snuggle up to your date, but also interesting enough to have a good conversation about over drinks after!

6. Ecstasy

If you feel like the date isn’t going as well as you’d hoped, why don’t you offer the group some ecstasy? It’ll help lower your inhibitions and let the happiness flow through you like the red sun. Sit back and enjoy the flowing, mysterious waters of your mind ebb into the cosmos and just live it. (Note: be sure to drink enough water so you don’t die of dehydration)

7. Foursome?

Who says the date has to end after you leave the bar? Keep the momentum going and take a cab back to your place. Be sure to lay down a large tarp and have some fun!

Double Crossed: A Screenplay

INT. CHURCH

Two priests quietly talk in the back of the church while a few people sit in the pews, silently praying. One priest is named JOHN CROSS and the other is his partner MARCUS KELLY. KELLY and CROSS are both in their early 30′s or whatever. They wear simple priestly clothes (you know, black shirt and pants with the clerical collar). I’m not sure how much I’m supposed to describe in this part, but I think I’ve set the scene. My ex-girlfriend Sam always told me that there are really strict rules about writing a script and what you can and can’t include, but seriously who cares?

CROSS

Which one is he?

KELLY

The guy in the cheap suit with the sunglasses. You sure you’re alright today?

CROSS

Of course I am, why wouldn’t you think so?

KELLY

I know you say you’ve got those Irish genes Cross, but last night you were too messed up even for my tastes.

CROSS

Thanks for the concern Mom, but I’m fine. How about I’ll get a handle on my drinking as soon as you lay off those cigarettes?

KELLY

Still, I didn’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of those nuns we were with. It sure seemed like you had eyes for that brunette, eh?

CROSS

(sarcastically)

Yeah, she’s the girl for me once I break my vow.

kelly

You’re joking, but even though the priesthood is for life, in our line of work, half of us wash out in the first three years…

CROSS

(interrupting)

I’m in my ninth year serving, so?

kelly

…and the other half are end up growing lemons in a monastery in France after fifteen. I can’t see you doing that, Cross.

cross

And miss out on all the fun you’ll be having? No thanks Kelly.

Kelly

It’s only fun when you’re around buddy. Alright, it’s showtime.

The man that they’ve spotted is in the first row of pews. He looks around nervously before standing up and walking to the back of the church with his briefcase in hand, smiling to KELLY and CROSS. They pretend to look away as he slips into a door marked OFFICE, closing the door behind him.

KELLY

He seems spooked. Either he’s new or they know we’re watching.

CROSS

Check. Let’s go.

They make the sign of the cross and bump fists.

int. church Office

It’s a small office, probably about the same size as my bedroom. Am I supposed to describe the room like that? I hope I’m being sufficiently detailed. If not, use your imagination. Make the walls whatever color you like. The man, let’s call him BAD GUY is looking through the drawers of the sole desk in the room with his briefcase open on top. KELLY and CROSS enter. BAD GUY hurriedly slams his briefcase shut.

BAD GUY

Hi there! I’m just waiting for Father Stephen. He told me over the phone to wait in his office. I was just looking for… a pen.

KELLY

(nodding towards the mug of pens already on the desk)

Stephen is out of town this week, unfortunately. Is there anything we can help you with?

BAD GUY

Oh, how unfortunate! I guess I’ll just be leaving then. Have a nice day.

CROSS

Why don’t you stick around? What is it that you were meeting with Stephen about?

BAD GUY

Oh, it was just about some personal issues I needed counseling on. I’m trying to help become a better Catholic, you know? And I don’t think I can stick around actually, I’ve got a… er, plans.

CROSS forcefully pushes BAD GUY down into a chair.

kelly

I’m sure any decent Catholic would know not to plant documents in the desk of a priest.

Cross

And what would these documents be, Kelly?

Kelly

I have a guess Cross, but how about we just take a look.

CROSS snatches the briefcase from BAD GUY and opens it up.

KELLY

Well, it looks like it is exactly what I thought it was.

BAD GUY

What’s that?

Cross

A church time sheet.

BAD GUY

What? So what? Who cares?

kelly

Drop the act, new kid. We know exactly who you’re working for and what you’re doing.

bad guy

I’m not working for nobody! I’d like to go home please.

CROSS

We’ve seen this in diocese after diocese: a congregation blown apart after a sex abuse scandal.

kelly

You and your kind need to put it to rest with this boy-fucking business. Leave it up to the Atheists to accuse the Catholic church of this garbage and turn the public against us.

cross

No priest would ever do anything like that. You scum just need to ruin us in the worst way you can.

kelly

Listen kid, it’s not too late. You don’t need to ruin another life just to win this stupid holy war. You atheists say that you’re moral too. Do the right thing.

BAD GUY

I didn’t come here to set Father Stephen up for anything! Honest!

BAD GUY’s wimpers stop and he looks at them with a crazed smile.

BAD GUY

I’m just here as bait.

The door is kicked open by BAD GUY #2 and BAD GUY pulls out a gun and points it at KELLY. Pulling a gun from his shoulder holster, CROSS shoots both BAD GUY and BAD GUY #2 without hesitation.

cross

Let’s get the hell out of here.

INT. CHURCH

KELLY and CROSS come running out of the office and duck behind the first row of pews. All while avoiding gunfire from the 3 men at the front of the church. I’m really not sure how to write an action scene. I really doubt this can be very exciting to read about when described so clinically, but I’ll do my best.

cross

(checking his ammo)

A set up for Second Orders? These atheists are getting crazier every day.

KELLY

(pulling out his gun)

Yeah, this is the first time they’ve brought firepower to a church.

The pew they’re hiding behind is becoming increasingly weak due to the gunfire. KELLY looks over and takes a shot at one of the BAD GUYS, missing.

Kelly

Such a beautiful church. Goddam monsters.

KELLY hides behind the pew again, noticing that CROSS is gone.

BAD GUYS

(yelling)

No need for you to die, fellas! We’ve got plenty to ask you back at the lab.

CROSS is sneaking up the side of the pews, keeping very low to the ground. The men continue to shoot at KELLY, unaware of CROSS.

KELLY

(to BAD GUYS)

At least we’ve got an afterlife to look forward to.

KELLY stands up again and fires away right as CROSS comes running at them from their side. Completely blindsided, he kills them before they have time to turn his direction.

CROSS

Got ‘em! Alright Kelly, after we get this locked down,we need to get to the station and make sense of this mess.

CROSS pulls out a RADIO from his pocket

CROSS

Cross, we need a cleanup crew at Local 249. Five bodies, no witnesses, but neighbors may have heard shots.

(to KELLY)

Kelly! Get your ass over here. We need to barricade those doors before some old lady tries to come in. Kelly?

KELLY is on the ground, blood pooling around his body. CROSS runs over to him

KELLY

I… think… they got a lung. I should… pull through. Just need…

CROSS

Oh Jesus. You’ll be fine buddy.

(to RADIO)

Code 9! Second Order has been shot. I repeat, a Second Order has been shot. We need a med crew here now!

KELLY

I’ll… be…

(faints)

CROSS

God please help him. God please!

 

 

What Your Favorite Jason Statham Film Says About You

This shot could be from literally any Jason Statham movie

This shot could be from literally any Jason Statham movie

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998): “I’m British”

Snatch (2000): “I wish I was British”

The One (2001): “I boycotted movies after 9/11″

The Transporter (2002): “I like cars!”

The Italian Job (2002): “I’m Mark Wahlberg”

Cellular (2004): “I’m watching a movie marathon at Jason Statham’s house”

Transporter 2 (2005): “I have awful taste in action films”

Revolver (2005): “I really enjoy Guy Ritchie movies. Like, to a weird degree. I’m probably Guy Ritchie.”

The Pink Panther (2006): “I have no idea who Jason Statham is”

Crank (2006): “From the trailer, I thought this was a pornographic film. It did not disappoint”

War (2007): [no one has seen this film]

The Bank Job (2008): “I tried to pick up a copy of The Italian Job and became so depressed I’ll probably never see another Jason Statham film”

Death Race (2008): “The Transporter films have kind of sucked at murdering people while driving cars.”

Transporter 3 (2008): “I convinced myself that the Transporter Boxed DVD set was worth it”

Crank: High Voltage (2009): “I YELL A LOT”

The Expendables (2010): “I somehow wish for the glory days of action movies even though Jason Statham has been bringing me the best possible action movies for the last decade.”

The Mechanic (2011): [authors note: I stopped watching Statham movies after Death Race, so I'm making up all this as I go along. But before that, I really saw all those films]

Killer Elite (2011): “I really don’t have discriminating tastes in Jason Statham films.”

The Expendables 2 (2012): “I’m Jason Statham plugging this film on late night television.”

Parker (2013): “I kind of understand the concept of ‘film noire’, but totally misuse it when describing this film”

Guest Post: Tips on how to spend your first winter break back at home

This post comes from Val’s sister: Sonja!

  1. Moderate time spent with your family. It’s all fun and smiles at first, but they’ll soon start to resent you for your sleeping habits and lack of productivity. Plan your day so you’ll be sleeping when they wake in the morning, and you’ll be out with your friends when they come back in the evening. Tops, spend like 1-2 hours with them a day.
  2. Don’t see all the movies you’ve been planning to see for months in a 2 day period. Space them out so you have something else to do during break. Also, if blood and gore isn’t your thing, don’t see Django: Unchained.
  3. Who suggested going to see Django? You hate bloody movies. Although Pulp Fiction was enjoyable, you aren’t usually a fan of Tarantino films. Why didn’t you see Les Mis instead? Anne Hathaway was supposedly really good in that.
  4. Make plans with your friends early. Some of them go to a different school, and their breaks end much earlier than yours. Three of them left before you even thought of contacting them, and they were the only ones you really wanted to see. Now you’re stuck with second-rate high school “friends” if you don’t want to see Django alone.
  5. Catch up with pop culture when you’re home. Most likely you didn’t keep with JBieb or Ke$ha while you were at school, see what they’re up to. Are they still popular? Should you still like their music?
  6. Your dog got cuter while you were gone. Take lots of pics! Maybe he’ll go back to normal when you come in the summer, get evidence of him being adorable while you still can.
  7. Keep some resolutions. You started a diary, keep up the charade for at least another month. Also, you really should go to the gym more. Dorm food over a long period of time can’t be good.
  8. Don’t pack last minute! You’ll forget your phone charger again…