1. Remember riding in these?
2. Or brushing with one of these?
3. Remember using these to do math?
4. Remember sitting in these?
5. Remember writing with one of these?
6. Or remember flying in one of these?
7. Haha, or reading one of these?
8. Remember tying these?
9. Remember drinking from one of these?
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998): “I’m British”
Snatch (2000): “I wish I was British”
The One (2001): “I boycotted movies after 9/11”
The Transporter (2002): “I like cars!”
The Italian Job (2002): “I’m Mark Wahlberg”
Cellular (2004): “I’m watching a movie marathon at Jason Statham’s house”
Transporter 2 (2005): “I have awful taste in action films”
Revolver (2005): “I really enjoy Guy Ritchie movies. Like, to a weird degree. I’m probably Guy Ritchie.”
The Pink Panther (2006): “I have no idea who Jason Statham is”
Crank (2006): “From the trailer, I thought this was a pornographic film. It did not disappoint”
War (2007): [no one has seen this film]
The Bank Job (2008): “I tried to pick up a copy of The Italian Job and became so depressed I’ll probably never see another Jason Statham film”
Death Race (2008): “The Transporter films have kind of sucked at murdering people while driving cars.”
Transporter 3 (2008): “I convinced myself that the Transporter Boxed DVD set was worth it”
Crank: High Voltage (2009): “I YELL A LOT”
The Expendables (2010): “I somehow wish for the glory days of action movies even though Jason Statham has been bringing me the best possible action movies for the last decade.”
The Mechanic (2011): [authors note: I stopped watching Statham movies after Death Race, so I’m making up all this as I go along. But before that, I really saw all those films]
Killer Elite (2011): “I really don’t have discriminating tastes in Jason Statham films.”
The Expendables 2 (2012): “I’m Jason Statham plugging this film on late night television.”
Parker (2013): “I kind of understand the concept of ‘film noire’, but totally misuse it when describing this film”
This post comes from Val’s sister: Sonja!
Welcome to a new year of blogging from Mike and Val! This year, we hope to expand our horizons as a blog and add a new blogger to our team. We worked hard last year to start a video-game section of our blog, but as you may have noticed, it failed to come to fruition. Here is one our letters from the process:
Dear [REDACTED],
We thank you for your prompt submission and your clear zest for creative writing, but at this time we are unable to accept your first article. Here are a few notes before you submit another draft:
1. Keep an eye on the word count! The 12 pages you sent to us was way too long for an article on our site. Please keep all submissions between 400 and 600 words.
2. Stay on prompt! We asked you to review a recent video game and you spent most of the article on what could be best described as a diatribe against our blog. While you did briefly mention that “‘Sleeping Dogs’ sucked almost as many dicks as Mike and Val collectively sucked in the month of July”, we would strongly prefer a stronger analysis of the game and fewer personal attacks.
3. Please avoid discussion of sex! The section describing a fictional sex scenario between Samus Aran of Metroid and Master Chief of Halo was overly explicit and obviously unrealistic. You used one whole page to describe how “Master Chief repeatedly, angrily penetrated Samus’ soul with his eyes” and another page detailing only the differences between Samus’ right and left breasts. Please keep content like this to a minimum in further posts.
4. Be mindful to readers of various cultures! After you pointed out multiple times in the first two paragraphs how “Mike and Val’s Blog exists solely to inflict written racial hatred towards Chinese-Americans”, we find it ironic that you spent the next five paragraphs trying to (and we will quote you because it is the most succinct way of describing it) inflict written racial hatred towards Chinese-Americans.
5. Check for spelling and grammar errors! You begin every paragraph with “Heres another reason why htis blog scuks”. Try to limit copy-pasting text, as it is repetitive and give your article a thorough read-through before submission.
6. Make sure that you follow the law in any blog post you write! The final section of the article solely explains how you plan to hack our blog and hold it ransom until we “send a blank check to my address and get the fuck out the blogging business forever”. It may be illegal to even publish that, so make sure it isn’t in the final draft!
We had such high hopes from your sample pieces that you sent in, so we really hope you can manage this article into something worthy of publishing on the site. We await your next draft.
Thanks,
Mike and Val
In a dark crummy office sat a silent detective
Without a case and without objective
His last case had failed to lead to conviction
and a letter on his desk read simply “EVICTION”.
He took a drag on his cigarette, leaned back in his chair
Nothing but silence and smoke filled the air.
With a knock on the door, the silence was cut.
He leaned his head back and mumbled “What?”
“Call on line one” said a feminine voice
And he picked up the phone as if he hadn’t a choice
It was a crying young woman, maybe even a girl
“There’s been a murder, are you Detective Squirrel?”
too upset to write
where was my invitation
to see the hobbit
6:17pm: “I dont have a smart phone, so can I live text you the election coverage?”
8:51pm: “I’m betting on this with my mom for 100 dollars. I don’t have 100 dollars”
9:27pm: “Floridas close… fucking val”
9:48pm: “Fuck yeah”
9:48pm: “Also, CNNs ballot cam is totally necessary”
9:50pm: Djibouti still not reporting in for election!
9:58pm: “I still don’t regret writing in for Anderson Cooper”
10:02pm: “What about me!”
10:02pm: “Sorry I’m drunk”
10:04pm: “You can’t trust what they’re saying. It’s only a projection! #InceptionOrElection?
10:10pm: [in response to drinking games being played during the election] Drink until it’s over, then call your mom and gloat that she owes you 100 bucks
Day 1:
My roommate Kyle informed me that he bought a pair of “raw denim” jeans. Apparently, it means that he paid extra money to buy jeans that haven’t been washed or factory distressed. This is really confusing for me and I think I’ll have to sleep on it.
Day 5:
I still don’t get it. I have so many questions!
Day 7:
Kyle says that the jeans are currently pretty tight and uncomfortable on him. He says that he’s supposed to wear the jeans every day for six months and they’ll gradually adjust to his body type. Then he’s allowed to wash them and then they’ll stay in their current shape.
Day 8:
I have begun making nightly measurements of the dimensions of the jeans and using color swatches to mark the fading that occurs. Please see the other notebook for all further measurements.
Day 10:
I’ve begun a daily early morning run in the jeans at 7am while Kyle is asleep. I doubt he suspects anything and I feel that these jeans are slowly becoming accustomed to my body.
Day 13:
Kyle complained about his jeans smelling and bought a bottle of febreeze. To be safe, I will start wearing long underwear under the jeans during the morning runs. Also, he says I need to stop talking about these jeans.
Day 14:
Started a raw denim blog called “Raw Dog’s Denim Blog”. I hope it becomes successful.
Day 16:
Kyle is becoming suspicious and has started locking his door at night. I can hear the denim calling from beyond the closed door.
Day 17:
Day 19:
Kyle caught me on my early morning run today. He was pretty upset and said I need to forget about the jeans. I told him I’d try.
Day 20:
Honestly, this issue is much bigger than Kyle understands. I’ve gone rogue.
Community Hospital, Central Columbus
Dearest Ms. Emily Megan Hoondungus,
I am writing this letter to friendly inquire:
is your hospital is still looking for hire?
If yes, consider me for the position
of an on staff, General Pediatrician.
My qualifications, I have more than a few.
So if you please, I’ll just list them to you:
I received a Bachelor’s in Poetry in 2004
from “University of Whizzle-Thumb Joomjabbermore”
Graduated with honors and more than one minor
in Linguistics and Writing, there’s no finer rhymer!
I completed graduate school in 2008
with a doctorate’s in Rhyming from Ohio State
I developed a thesis through Professor Milton C. Huff
in the Department of English and… General Stuff.
While I may have not paid all my academic dues,
my skill as a wordsmith must have some pediatric use.
I have not spent my time curing pandemics,
or rather research with other academics.
I’ve spent my time writing, and it might just sound garish
that for me I felt it was publish or perish!
Nothing in this world would bring me greater enjoyment
Than becoming a doctor of your employment.
Sincerely,
A doctor of valuable use
Theodore Geisel (or Doctor Seuss)
I don’t know much (read: anything) about fashion, but while watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU, I noticed something fascinating: the fashion director of this episode totally loves tank tops. I’m no expert in the criminal justice system, or even know what is acceptable to wear to work, but it seems weird that Olivia Benson would wear sleeveless shirts to work in the sex crimes division of the NYPD almost every day. Let me be clear that I have no problem with this. I completely support women’s right to bare arms! I just think it’s really interesting that tank tops are so prominently displayed in just one episode of my favorite television show and no one ever mentions it. So yeah, here’s a quick rundown of my favorite parts in this episode which featured about 19 scenes with women, and probably 14 involving tank tops.
Why so much tank tops? Aren’t they generally considered not to be professional attire? I guess not, though… Everyone enjoy your freedom of arms!
mikeandvalblogging 