Deb’s Flag Car: A True Story of Conspiracy and Corruption

Over the weekend, I was driving from Illinois to Wisconsin. About 30 miles north of the Illinois-Wisconsin border, I came across a sight that I’m still struggling to understand. It was a van, driving north alongside me. Here is a brief description:

1. The van had a large decal in the side rear window that read, “Deb’s Flag Car”.

2. Pictured in the decal was a turbine, as one would find in a wind farm.

3. A phone number was beneath the title, ostensibly to inquire about the flag service, with a (618) area code.

4. There were two notifications on the rear window; one warned of sudden lane changes, and the other explained that a fire extinguisher was, in fact, inside the van.

5. On top of the van was an emergency lighting system, as one would find on a police car or ambulance. Behind this was a series of 3 large black racks. These racks were all empty. There was a also an antenna about 5 feet long.

The plot thickened when we called the number and a woman answered who had no idea what “Deb’s Flag Car” was. When “Deb’s Flag Car” was googled, we found only results about how “Deb’s Flag Car” was a certified escort car of Kansas. 618 though, is a Southern Illinois area code. Things are not adding up. I’ve searched “flag” and “wind turbine” together, and the only connections that I can make is that wind turbines are used frequently in Flagstaff, Arizona, and that someone is currently working on a patent to design a flagpole mounted wind turbine.

I don’t want to waste time with crackpot conspiracy theories, so here’s a few likely possibilities for the truth behind “Deb’s Flag Car”:

1. A team of nomads, led by the eponymous “Deb” have been traversing the upper midwest, robbing and scavenging any turbines that they come across. Taking the mantra “hiding in plain sight” to dizzying new heights, Deborah “Deb” Reynolds insists that each heist should be undertaken with emergency lights on. Under the guise of a turbine repair team, the group quickly dismantles the turbine of its precious fiberglass composite  blades. Days later, a traveling salesman with a pronounced bushy mustache (actually Deb’s lover and cohort, the dreaded Stephen W. Knuckleday) will come to the wind farm and attempt to sell the honest windfarmer a new set of blades for a discount price. When the kind windfarmer realizes that without blades, he has no way to harvest the wind, he will relent and purchase this new set. What he will not know, however, is that these blades are made from simple paper-mache. By the time he realizes this, Deb and her team will be at a farm hundreds of miles away, pulling the same grift.

2. After socialist leader Eugene Debs was imprisoned for sedition in the early 1900s, it was decided that America was not truly ready for a socialist President who could rid us of the stench of capitalism. A secret society, American Socialist Leaders (ASL), quickly faked the death of Debs by switching bodies with the conveniently dead Bartolomeo Vanzetti (himself a socialist scapegoat). With Woodrow Wilson’s recent discovery of the Martian technology of cryostasis, Debs was put into hibernation until the United States was ready for his return to power. Soon after Socialist patsy Barack Obama was elected president, the ASL mysteriously decided to keep Debs under cryostasis. Unable to deal with the idea that his grandfather may never return, Debs grandson, Eugene Debs III vowed to break him out. Removing the iron lung from a hidden closet in the Lincoln Bedroom, Eugene snuck the cryochamber into a van through the secret mole tunnels of the White House. Unable to understand the Martian technology that put his grandfather into this situation, Eugene roams the midwest, searching for any signs of aliens, hoping to ask for help on bringing Debs back to life. His main problem is keeping this strange alien casket fully powered. Afraid that the ASL will instantly notice him if he plugs directly into the main power grid, Eugene has been stealing power from various wind turbines that he comes across in his travels. He also gains significant power from lightning striking the large antenna on his car. Eugene no longer cares of politics, he just wants to sit with his grandfather and talk about life as the midwest breeze rolls by.

3. “Deb’s Flag Car” is actually an escort car service which scouts the road ahead for any signs of disruption so a large truck can safely travel the road, probably transporting parts to wind turbines.

While the truth to “Deb’s Flag Car” may never be known, we can at least sit back and observe that there are grand mysteries of the universe to which humans simply cannot comprehend.

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