Feisty e-mails in my outbox

Dear JSM Property Management,
I paid the May utility bill on June 1st. Check your records and please stop harassing me, even if it’s an “automated” e-mail. You say that every time. Also the banana peels outside our door are attracting ants. Please know that room 323 is the culprit, though. Is there some disciplinary procedure that deals with this?

Dear Architecture Building,
Good job on the architecture. If I didn’t know it was the architecture building, I would recommend to a


dean that it should be. However, a number of exotic-seeming bugs have come to my attention in class and it makes me jittery. One of them looked like a yellow, winged caterpillar that seemed pretty poisonous. Is this a modern art thing? Also, nice library. I hope to study there so long as there aren’t any centipedes the size of my hand. Bye.

Dear Roommate Who Shall Remain Nameless,
It’s your turn to buy toilet paper. You are a very good/clean bathroom mate, though, and I like that you don’t leave wet towels on the floor. That’s basically just a breeding ground for wet-smelling towels.

Dear Girl in My Class Who Likes to Relate Family-Drama,
Do you have any other familial anecdotes? Today I found out that you have a fiancée and a surgeon uncle who was in a shoot-out with the police last year. I was interested to find out that he was a surgeon. Also hearing about your parents’ divorce is awkward and usually always irrelevant. The guy who shouted over you, “That’s an anecdote, for Christ’s sake!” was justified in doing so.
A friendly classmate

Dear Other Roommate Named Jessica,
Thanks for buying me beer last week. Do you mind that I watch Arrested Development at the volume I do? I’m not sure how soundproof the walls are, if they are at all. If they’re kind of thin, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Val From Across the Hall (The One With Brown Hair)

Dear Public Policy Professor,
What do you mean “No Class/Readings on Thursday”? I have a feeling you’re getting sick of the Girl With Anecdotes, too. Good foresight. Have a nice Thursday.

Dear Oceans Professor (Commonly Referred to as GEOL 117 Professor),
Do you have any more ocean puns? Trying to think of others inundates me with a wave of frustration! I don’t want to delve into murky waters, but maybe you could set up some office hours so we could talk about this. Nothing fishy though, this is just about the puns. Sediment.


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