Fan Mail

Val recently posted a series of emails that she was too afraid to send. I dutifully took up the responsibility to get them to their intended recipients! Here are the responses:

Dear JSM Property Management,
I paid the May utility bill on June 1st. Check your records and please stop harassing me, even if it’s an “automated” e-mail. You say that every time. Also the banana peels outside our door are attracting ants. Please know that room 323 is the culprit, though. Is there some disciplinary procedure that deals with this?

Re: “This ant problem is bananas!”
Thank you for letting us know about this garbage problem. An exterminator will be called by Monday to deal with the ants and a letter will be sent to room 323. More importantly, we apologize for the repeated emails, but we will continue to send them until the utility bill is paid IN FULL. After receiving two checks of insufficient amounts (which both bounced), you’ve recently sent us what appears to be an “inside-out animal”. Please stop sending us garbage and please send a payment in full or gas and electric services will be terminated by Tuesday.
-J.S.M Property Management
P.S.  We have contacted animal control in response to your actions.


Dear Architecture Building,
Good job on the architecture. If I didn’t know it was the architecture building, I would recommend to a dean that it should be. However, a number of exotic-seeming bugs have come to my attention in class and it makes me jittery. One of them looked like a yellow, winged caterpillar that seemed pretty poisonous. Is this a modern art thing? Also, nice library. I hope to study there so long as there aren’t any centipedes the size of my hand. Bye.


Re: “Just one thing is bugging me…”
Thank you for the pleasant comments about the beauty of the building. We all try our hardest to keep it looking nice. I have informed the Entomology Department about your fascinating findings and they have assured me that they will keep the various insects as safe as possible. They have even offered to give you a free tour of the new Arthropod Wing of the building.
Have a nice day!
-Conrad Veidt, Building Supervisor


Dear Girl in My Class Who Likes to Relate Family-Drama,
Do you have any other familial anecdotes? Today I found out that you have a fiancée and a surgeon uncle who was in a shoot-out with the police last year. I was interested to find out that he was a surgeon. Also hearing about your parents’ divorce is awkward and usually always irrelevant. The guy who shouted over you, “That’s an anecdote, for Christ’s sake!” was justified in doing so.
A friendly classmate

Re: “Tired of anecdotes”
Dear Valerie,
I apologize that I have been speaking about myself so much in this class, but as this is a class on poetry composition and I am the professor, I think its completely appropriate to read aloud our own work. I really want to encourage you to write some poems that relate to your life as well, instead of just writing acrostic poems about oceans. There is much room for improvement and it begins with a positive attitude!
-Professor Acadia


Dear Oceans Professor (Commonly Referred to as GEOL 117 Professor),
Do you have any more ocean puns? Trying to think of others inundates me with a wave of frustration! I don’t want to delve into murky waters, but maybe you could set up some office hours so we could talk about this. Nothing fishy though, this is just about the puns. Sediment.

Re: “I can’t kelp these feelings…”
Dear Valerie,
While I do appreciate your frequent emails and your many visits at office hours, I think that you have crossed a line. Your email was quite sweet, but the included risque photos and the short story about two cephalopods mating were extremely graphic and disturbing. Its great that you enjoy the ocean to so much, but your need to sensualize it and involve me is simply not appropriate. Please do not contact me again unless it is directly related to the class or I will report you to the dean.
-Professor Rigel

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