Uncle Mike’s Kiwi Toilet Wine

So, you’ve just been released from prison, but you can’t legally buy any hooch because of your goddam parole officer. It sucks, but you can still make a tasty alcoholic treat all on your own! Here’s a simple recipe for a tasty toilet wine:
Step 1. Gather your ingredients!
Now, the goal of toilet wine is to help you forget about how you ended up making toilet wine in the first place (a bank heist went awry and your partners in crime sold you out in return for leniency) so we don’t really have to worry about taste. We want cheap, sugary fruits that can easily be pocketed at your local supermarket. This is why I’d recommend kiwis! You can easily pop three into each jacket pocket and just stroll out the store. You can get the rest of the supplies in the kitchen!

Step 2. Find a place to prepare the wine!
There’s no way that your 300 dollar a month efficiency has a kitchen, so we’ll need another place to work. How about your ex’s current douche-bag boyfriend? He probably has a nice kitchen in his fancy studio apartment. Just break a window during the day while he’s at work and you’ll have plenty of time to make some liquid magic!
Cooking Tip: Wrap your hand in an old shirt to break the window. You’ll cause just as much damage to the window and none to your hand!

Step 3. Preparation!
At this point, lets be honest, he’d going to know it was you who broke in. Theres not much point in trying to hide your presence, so feel free to make a mess and look around for spare credit cards. The kiwis won’t be quite enough for ingredients so you’ll need the following:

  • sugar
  • honey
  • large ziplock bag
  • small ziplock bag
  • gallon jug of milk
  • whatever fruit is laying around (apples or oranges will work fine)

You will also need duct tape, but you probably already have that with you…

Step 4.  Makin’ Mash!
Take your large plastic bag and toss in those six kiwis. Peel two of those oranges and put them in as well. Even though your therapist says that you need to hold in that rage, go crazy on the bag and really mash it up. I guess if you can find his blender, use that. So punch that bag for a while until you feel more relaxed [fig. 1]. Kiwis and oranges aren’t quite sugary enough for the yeast to react with it so put in some honey and sugar too. Shit! Yeast! How the hell did you screw up toilet wine? Okay, fine. Go back to the store and pick up some yeast. It comes in small packets so I doubt they’ll notice it, but take one of his credit cards along just in case.

Fig. 1
fig. 1

Step 5.  Ready to Brew!
Alright, we’re just about done. Go ahead and pour out his gallon jug of milk. Its probably a good idea to rinse it out with hot water, but its later than you thought and he’ll be getting home soon, so lets just move on. Empty out your mash bag into the jug and give it a good few shakes to make sure its mixed well. Pour about half the packet of yeast into the bottle too and shake for a minute. I’m sure that you don’t really care about how sanitary this is, but we’ll need to have one precaution so the yeast does its job and turns the sugar into sweet, sweet alcohol. So take that small plastic bag and duct tape it around the top of the jug and cut a hole in the corner [fig. 2]. This will make sure that carbon dioxide exits the jug without problems.

fig. 2
fig. 2

Cooking Tip: Try waking up by noon so you can complete this project before her boyfriend gets home!

Step 6. Waiting, Waiting, Waiting.
Now just exit the apartment and hide the jug in a cool dark place where your parole officer won’t be able to find it, like the cistern of your toilet (hence the name “Toilet Wine”)! It should reach its potency in about a month, but you can wait 6 months for it to taste its best. So, just go ahead and drink it after a month. Strain it through your least dirty shirt into a glass and enjoy a liter of delicious toilet wine!


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