Guest blog writer: Kevin Daliva!

Did you miss out on the whole Harry Potter thing? Do you want to know what’s up when you see the latter half of the last movie with your friends, even though you haven’t seen the first 6 1/2? That’s kind of an ambitious expectation, but not with this guide. Guest blog writer, Kevin Daliva, has the details!!! Thanks for contributing, Kevin.

Crash Course [in Harry Potter]

First off, thanks to Val and Mike for this amazing opportunity to showcase my wit and smart-alec-styled comments on their blog. All formalities aside, let’s not kid ourselves, we all know why I’m here. To teach you all about a boy named, “Harry Potter.” I’ve spent the last month reading 7 books [or 4,100 words[or 905,800]) worth of the Harry Potter series and I am here to give you a Play-by-play of the series.

Book 1:

In a tweet: Harry’s life sucks. You’re a wizard! Go to school. He makes friends #ginger #smartgirl. Let’s play Quidditch. Defeat evil two-faced wizard.

After thoughts: These books definitely move faster than I remember they do. Am I just a faster reader? Probably.

Book 2:

In a tweet: Hi elf! Flying car crashes into violent tree. Petrified cat, ghost, Colin #smartgirl. Who’s the heir? I speak snake. Kill snake, stab diary.

After thoughts: Ugh, I hate snakes. What would happen if you stabbed my diary?

Book 3:

In a tweet: Black escaped. Who cares? DEMENTOR! Expecto Patronum! Buckbeak. Rat. Not a Rat. Teacher. Not a Teacher. Dog. Not a dog. Black is godfather.

After thoughts: That was literally the most confusing ending ever. I want a time-turner. I want a Hermione.

Book 4:

In a tweet: World Cup. Unforgivable Curses. Moody? Harry is. Name in Cup?! French girl & Krum. Dancing. Dragon, egg, maze. Portkey? Blood. Edward dies.

After thoughts: I want another Tri-wizard tournament. This one sucked.

Book 5:

In a tweet: Secret house. Bitch teacher. But he’s back! Ouch my scar! Yell at my friends. Ouch my hand! DA. Attack. Save him. Not there. Trap. Dead.

After thoughts: All Harry did this book was bitch. Literally if I took a shot everytime Harry yelled or the word “scar” appeared I would have died.

Book 6:

In a tweet: Sad. Slug Club. Sweet book. Nice potions. Crippled hand. Hey Ginny. Horcrux? Drink the potion. Dark mark?! Snape kills Dumbledore. Funeral.

After thoughts: Nothing happened in this book. Also I hate the word “snogging.”

Book 7:

In a tweet: Wedding. Walk around. Horcrux? Deathly Hallow? Who’s he? Dumbledore did what?! Bank heist. 2 Hogwarts. Epic battle! I died. Wait. He did.

After thoughts: At one point I felt like I was reading X-men. Until the epilogue. Fml.

Honestly, I am a pretty die-hard fan, but these are more light-hearted overviews of the books. I am dreading what will happen at the theater tonight.

Things that will probably happen:

  1. I will wear some sort of Harry Potter themed clothing.
  2. I will cry at the end of the movie.
  3. I will contemplate the meaning of growing up along with Harry and his friends.
  4. I will cry [silently and to myself] on the car ride home.
  5. I will write about my feelings.
  6. I will cry myself to sleep.

I feel like I’m in the mood for a really good cry. I mean, the last one I had was when I watch A Walk to Remember. Embarrassing? Hell naw. But seriously, this movie better make me cry. For my official heart-felt—and hopefully tear-stained—comments on the series come back Friday… well… if Val and Mike let me come back.

-Kevin

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