A Brief Message To A Future Girlfriend: I’m An Idiot

Hi there! If you’re reading this, then I guess you’re dating me now. Congratulations, or whatever. Before you completely jump into this relationship and we start having kids/going to salsa lessons (thats what couples do, right?), I’m going to let you know something that you might not have realized yet: I’m pretty dumb. There, that wasn’t so hard.

Now, I know you’re laughing to yourself; you think that I’m just being humble. I wish that was the case. See, while I try to write verbosely and I am kind of good at math, at my foundation I’m just stupid. So please give this a read. I don’t want pity or you to attempt to make me smarter, I just want to make sure that you are fully informed of who I am. Here are a few examples of how I’m dumb:

I don’t remember names.

Best actual example: My roommate had been dating a guy for about a month and a half. She had probably mentioned him at least once a day for this whole period. I had probably hung out with him in the apartment at least a dozen times. I could not remember his name one day. Everyone got very upset at me.

What will probably happen: We go to your home to have dinner with your family and your little brother greets me. Even though you’ve told me like… ten stories about him and I’ve actually met him twice, I will have no idea what his name is.

Contradicting event that will make you even more upset: You discover that I know not only the names and positions of most of the Mighty Ducks, but I also know quite a few of their uniform numbers.

I’m bad with calendars.

Best actual example: I mean, I totally understand the order of the dates and that time moves forward, but I’m bad at everything else relating to it. For example, I cannot remember dates. I probably know 5 birthdays (one of those belonging to me and another to Jesus, neither of them belonging to my parents). In addition to rarely knowing what the date is, I also don’t know the number-month correlation. Yes, you read that right. When someone tells me that their birthday is 6/18, I have to count up from January all the way up to… June? July? Whatever.

What will probably happen: Don’t worry, I will not forget your birthday. I know how much I suck at dates, so I will send myself messages long before your birthday arrives. Valentines Day, on the other hand, I’ll totally forget about it. Thats in March, right?

Contradicting event that will make you even more upset: You notice that I use calendars all the time: school events, homework, counting down until the end of February. Somehow, none of the information ever sinks in.

I’m awful at remembering events in my life.

Best actual example: I was asked earlier this year what it was that I did over last summer. I explained that I relaxed with my friends and just unwound from the school year. My parents then explained to me that I, in fact, worked a full time job at the local movie theater all summer. I have no recollection of this. Basically, if I didn’t find an event interesting, I will not remember it.

What will probably happen: I will mention to you that I really like some movie, and you will respond that we just watched it together two weeks ago.

Contradicting event that will make you even more upset: You will hear me tell a story to my friends of that one time three years ago when I saw an attractive girl at a bagel shop in Ithaca, New York.

Well, now that we’re clear on all that, lets do this relationship!

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