The Skinny On Not Being So Fat

Soon after celebrating my 21st birthday, I got a new drivers license (its horizontal now y’all!). I had to resubmit my height and weight. Height: I grew an inch! Up from 5 feet, 9 inches all the way to 5 feet, 10 inches. Sweet! My weight… Wait. This sucks. Up from 135. Currently 173. Ouch! Almost 40 pounds in 5 years! Thats like 6 gallons of water weight. Okay, its not water weight, thats fat. So, we have a problem. Let’s deal with this shit. How do we problem solve? Goals, mugglefucker!

To make this whole “weight loss journey” more interesting, I have a bet going on with a pal of mine named Sam. The bet started on Sunday, and whoever loses the most weight by the end of the month, slaps the other person for every extra pound gained. That’s my kind of incentive!

1. Set A Goal
Boom, down to 140 in 5 months. That means I’m beach ready and rocksteady for… June! Easier said than done, right? Probably. Well, short term goal: lose 10 pounds in this first month? Yeah, thats doable.

2. Exercise
For this first month, my goal is to go to the gym (spin class?) 6 days a week. Saturdays are run days (even though it would sound better if it were on a Sunday). Run at least 5 miles on Saturdays. So yeah, spin class is an hour of cardio. That should be sufficient. [n.b. studying/homework isn’t an excuse for skipping the gym, dickwad. Stop watching the Daily Show and be less fat.]

3. Diet
Lets not go crazy with the diets, alright? The purpose of losing weight is to make me happy, so I’m not going to completely cut foods that I enjoy (ya know? so I’ll stay happy?). So lets plan out this next month. No more chips and no more cookies or cake (and other candy type things). I mean, I don’t really enjoy those anyways, so I’ll just say no. I don’t really drink soda so no need to cut that… Pretty much, when I’m craving a snack, reach for a banana or a yogurt instead of doritos. Eh, I can go farther than that, no more than one fried food (or of equivalent shitty nutrition [I’m looking at you, slice of pizza]) per day. Oh and breakfast, I suck at eateng breakfast and I hear its super good for metabolism, so every morning, eat eggs or yogurt before class.

 4. Slap Strategy
Now that I’ve pretty much lost all that weight (in theory), how should I strike Sam’s face? He’s got a similar belly to mass index as me, so I imagine he’ll do alright. That being said, I may only have one chance to hit him. My gut reaction is telling me to go for a backhand, like I’m challenging him to a duel or something, but in practice, that usually doesn’t work so well. I saw a friend of mine go down (hard) after a forehand and his backhand barely seemed to hurt the other guy (note: the backhander is in the goddamned armed forces, and the backhandee is definitely weaker). But perhaps the backhand is good after a good practice slap (and not so much alcohol). We shall see soon though.

To wrap up, I’m only 21 years old, I have the metabolism of a young man (because I am one), and I have no excuse for being so out of shape. I’ll be updating once a week on how I’ve been eating and how I’ve been exercising, so go ahead and give me crap and make fun of me if I’m not being hard enough on my body (seriously, public humiliation was how I got rid of my stutter). In only six months, I totally have the potential of looking like this:

Beefcake Alert!

Current Weight: 173

Things I Do Shamelessly

Having had my fair share of roommates and siblings (one sister), I know everyone has their habits. I have mine, and if they’re annoying enough in the company of others, I’ll make a conscious effort to curtail these habits. Some things, though, I’ll keep on doing pretty shamelessly. For example:

Eating when invited to do so
You know the scenario: you’re at a friend’s house, and depending on how welcome you feel to your friend/passing acquaintance’s fridge, you’ll be offered some type of refreshment. Game changer: You expect me to politely decline, but I invariably say yes.  What, am I putting you out? Then don’t offer me any type of food that requires preparation, because I’m ready to accept anything from coffee to a full-blown meal.

Not always recycling
Well, this isn’t totally true, so don’t decide that I’m a bad person just yet. I recycle anywhere between 60 – 80% of the time, depending on just how vengeful I’m feeling toward the environment on a given day. There are times, though, when there isn’t a trash can and I’ll just toss the item in question.  I recycle more often than not, so I don’t feel too guilty about this.

Laughing at your artsy photos
You having a nice camera doesn’t make me appreciate your photo of a flower, which basically photographs itself. Unless you have a vested interest in photography, I’m probably not paying attention to the sepia tint you added on your mac.

Going through an entire box of granola bars in a day
Those things are damn tasty and sure as hell can replace any meal of the day. I’m all about these things. Nature Valley, I’m talking to you.

Asking for gift certificates
What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and it’s probably a $25 gift certificate to Target.  The risk of not ending up with my choice of Target’s stretchy wool socks ($8 for a 3-pack) is too great for me to allow you to take a shot in the dark.

Complaining about your taste in music
As Mike will blog to anyone who listens, personal taste is subjective and is therefore exempt from value judgments. And I agree wholeheartedly — until you decide to seriously listen to a 7-minute remix of “Blinded by the Light” while I try to watch 30 Rock.  Go ahead and listen, but do it at a sub-audible volumes. I’m talking below-whisper levels.

Yeah.

My Secret Life As A College Reporter

Believe it or not, The College Daily has actually printed the article that I wrote for them! Not only have they posted it to their front page, but a student has written a retaliation post about how Madison sucks and the University of Kansas has “the coolest college kids in the country”. You don’t have to read it, but trust me when I say that the article is awful. I wasn’t really sure how to follow up my first post (I really doubted it would be published), so now I’m going for broke and critiquing articles on the site. There is no way in hell that they will publish this, so go ahead and read it here:

7 Best Grammatical Mistakes In
“10 Best Things To Do In Lawrence”

Some punk bitch decided to call me out on Madison not being the dopest party school ever. Jerk. Well, he called me out, so I’m going to do the same… GRAMMAR STYLE! Everyone knows that every badass partier in Wisconsin knows to never leave a dangling participle. I’m no nerd, but it looks like KU is about to get SCHOOLED!

1. Use of “Their”, “They’re”, and “There”

Come on motherfucker, this is what you should have been learning in second grade. OPEN UP A BOOK, PUNK (and possibly use the pages as rolling papers later).

There refers to a place. “Have you been to my new favorite bar, Wando’s?. I cheated on my girlfriend there last week.”
They’re is a contraction of “they are” as in “I can’t believe both my girlfriend and that chick are pissed at me about that. They’re total boneheads.”
Their is used to note possession. “They are probably just on their periods.”

EXAMPLE:

Where the new Freshman are excited to branch out of high school and not think there sexual endeavours will spread for everyone to know…

ONE MORE FOR FUCKS SAKE:

But on the real Naismith is that chill spot for those who used to live their if you ask they miss it dearly its really some of the most fun you will have SORRY!

2. Proper Punctuation

I’m not going to be a grammar nazi and challenge you just for your omission of an oxford comma (who gives a fuck, right?), but I will call you out on forgetting to use proper commas in sentence structure. Remember guys, sentences have proper beats and pauses and you better tap that pause right (just like I’m tapping every Tri Delt on campus). Also, if you need to use an ellipse, you only have to use three dots in a row… like I fuckin’ just did.

EXAMPLE:

As a KU student and a lover of everything Jayhawk we have developed this list.

Read that sentence and you’ll naturally pause after “Jayhawk”. Well, throw down a comma after that, bi-otch.

3. Ending A Sentence With A Preposition

Pull your head out of your ass and proofread your shit before you post. This is sentence structure 101. A preposition links a noun or a phrase to the rest of the sentence (just like how I’m linked to your mom). You’ll know its a preposition if you can fit it into this sentence: “My weed is ____ my bong.” Let’s see what works: on, near, from, beside, upon, beneath, inside, of. Pretty easy, eh? So if you have with a sentence that ends in a preposition, change that shit.

EXAMPLE:

This is the best grub spot in town and a place everyone speaks highly of.

4. Knowing The Difference Between Singular And Plural

Listen up, Bro-trus Bro-trus Ghali. You can get away with this shit in speaking, but not in writing. Learn it, make your resume look badass. I’m not going to spell it out for you, just take a look and bask in your incorrectness.

EXAMPLE:

the place that all Freshman need to learn to step their game up so they don’t have 4 years of getting carried home every night.

5. Run-On Sentences

Run-on sentences are just shitty. You’re writing something that people are hypothetically going to read, so don’t make it difficult as fuck to read. I could teach you some nerdy shit like how to diagram a sentence, but I mean I totally have no idea how to do that because I’m no prissy nerd. But thats still cool, there are other tricks you can use to know when you need to break up a goddam sentence. Tip one: just read it out loud and see if it sounds awful. Tip two: have a friend read it and see if he can understand it. Well anyways, some sentences in your article fail both those tests. Sorry, asshole.

EXAMPLE:

But on the real Naismith is that chill spot for those who used to live their if you ask they miss it dearly its really some of the most fun you will have SORRY!

ONE MORE FOR FUCKS SAKE:

Don’t even get me started about Iowa like O.K. cool god forbid there is a famine you have a life supply of Corn it says it when you drive in the state “Fields of Opportunities” ain’t that depressing.

6. Typos

Just give it a proofread before you push enter. All the chicks will love you for it (the girls always go down on me for my great writing skills), and you’ll earn my respect (but I probably won’t go down on you for your writing skills).

EXAMPLE:

Plus with the ration of girls to guys being like 10 to 1 you can’t complain

7. Homophones

Yeah, I already gave you some shit for this with “there, their, and they’re”, but I’m relentless so here goes. You know homophones (no homo), right? Thats when two words sounds the same, but look and mean something different. Look at “two” and “too”; they sound the same but are really different (like a Delta Gamma and and Alpha Phi, duh). Keep an eye out for those; they’re distracting and you made me spill my redbull and vodka on my fuckin’ jeans when I read some of yours.

EXAMPLE:

It is wear the cream of the crop come to tone up the previous nights mistakes of the 15 shots and the Fuzzy’s tacos that where inhaled in one bite.

Don’t Mention Any Of These To Me

Your Happiness With Waking Up Early

2pm?! You slept that late? I was up at 8am and I feel awesome. I can’t do that to myself, sleeping in past 8. It makes me feel so lazy and…

I get it. You’re proud that you got an early start to your day and you feel great about it. I can’t relate to you though. I will sleep until 10am every morning unless I have an inescapable commitment. I love sleeping in so don’t try to make me feel guilty about it.

Anything Involving Geography

How did you get lost on your way to Wisconsin? You just take 88 West…

First of all, the answer to the question is easy: I’m stupid. Moving on, why do we need to have this conversation? Whether its the relative positions of two cities or two countries, or how to get to a restaurant, we don’t need to discuss this at all. Just look a goddam map. Seriously, don’t say “Oh, its easy to get to Iowa from here, you just take [whatever highway] south and then merge onto…” Stop. I’m not listening. I’m going to print out driving instructions off Google because why not?! It automatically prints out a map with it, don’t make me listen to your directions.

Doubting My Enjoyment Of Subjective Experiences

How can you eat Little Caesars?! It tastes like shit. Its seriously worse than frozen pizza…

I get that you have a negative opinion of it, but we’re talking about food/music/art which makes your opinion only as valid as mine.    Go ahead and explain why you dislike it, thats totally fine. But don’t act like you can’t comprehend my enjoyment of something you hate.

Any Event In My Life Prior To 1999

Just don’t. Yes, I had a stutter and was really into magic tricks. Hilarious, lets move on with life.

Economic Policies

See, the problem with ‘trickle down economics’ is…

I don’t understand macroeconomics, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either. So if you have any confidence in your words, you can convince me that big government/small government/feudalism/anarchist/capitalist is the best fiscal form of governance. So lets just not have that conversation. Everything you say will go right over my head and I’ll just nod politely whenever you take a break from talking at me. I totally understand social politics and have opinions out the wazoo, and I have a pretty good grasp of microeconomics, but macroeconomics is just bullshit.

One More Thing About Geography

Oh yeah, if I ever get lost and ask you for directions (probably only because I didn’t have a map), don’t give me help using only cardinal directions. “So you want to go East at the fork in the road” “I don’t know which direction I’m traveling. I don’t have a compass built into my face”. Use “right”, “left”, and “straight”. Thats all we need.

An Online Story That You Think Is True

Dude, you have to read this TextFromLastNight! You won’t believe it…

Correct. I don’t believe it. I don’t mean a news story or even something on Wikipedia, I’m talking about firsthand, anonymous accounts of anything. Whether its from Reddit, Texts From Last Night, Texts From Bennet, FMyLife, Badger Shout Outs, or any other site like this, it didn’t happen. Sorry, but thats how I approach any anonymous story on the web. It might have a funny joke in it, but I will read it purely as a hypothetical joke. I know, I’m the fun ruiner.

TheCollegeDaily.com: All the News That’s Shit to Print

Recently, I’ve started reading the best thing on the Internet: The College Daily. Their subtitle reads “Party. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.” Hell yes, this is a publication I can get behind. The College Daily posts everything a college student would want (probably on a daily basis). With broad humorous articles about college and frat life, sections for “Girl of the Week” and “Guy of the Week”, individual pages for each school featuring local eateries and articles, I feel like I may have a new homepage for my browser. Plus, a few of my schoolmates from high school contribute to this international affairs publication.

If I had the time and willpower, I could give an in depth analysis of this website. I could discuss its articles (one of the articles featured on the front page  is only 400 words long, and uses the phrase “[subject] never fails to…” 3 times). I could also discuss the “Guy of the Week” pages (which asks the deep, probing questions like “If you could be anyone who?” [sic] and “Ass or tits?”). Oh and I could talk about the “Eats” section that gives in-depth information (the name, phone number, and address) of local places to eat and a rating on Price and Delicious Factor (every restaurant had 5 stars for both). But, I’m not going to waste my time with that.

Wait. I can’t do this anymore. I need to stop acting so sarcastic. I’m sorry if I seem angry and hateful towards this harmless website. Its just… I feel jilted. Here’s the truth. I submitted an article to The College Daily and they rejected it. I’ll stop whining now. In case you’re curious though, here it is:

5 Reasons Why Madison Is The Dopest Party School Ever

1. Chicks.
The girls in Madison are the best. HANDS DOWN. Have you been to Beloit? Or Middleton? A Beloit 7 is pretty much a Madison 3 (which is a Cincinnati 8). Do the math dude. Our chicks rule.
2. Beer.
In Madison, beer is like water. Its everywhere! We drink it by the gallon, we shower in it, my bro Derek even washed his car with it last summer. Bring a keg into Madison and it will be dry before noon the next day.
3. Classes.
Classes? More like “fill up my glasses! (with beer!!)”! Stick with a legit major like Finance (like me!) and you’ve got it made, my man. You can schedule your day so you can sleep until 11, crank out your homework, get to class at 2, and be ready to party again by 9. Be careful not to major in some artsy shit like my gf, she’s got to write essays all goddam day dude.
4. Food.
Stomach all filled up with beer? NOT FOR LONG, ASSHOLE! Shove some delicious Madison food down there. Dig Mexican food? Hell yes, The Taco Shop and Qdoba will make your stomach jizz. More into Chinese? Whatever, we’ve also got the grittiest, dankest Chinese food you can imagine. Still not happy? Come to Library Mall and eat some trailer food that will make you reexamine your life. Put it in your face, its so good dude.
5. Lakes.
Got a new honey and want to impress her? Take her to one of Madison’s two kickass lakes and go for a skinny dip! Seriously, they’re picturesque as fuck and everyone loves them. If its too cold (like half of the stupid year), then take her out for an ice skate on the lake! Its romantic and she’ll probably think you’re super sensitive or something for doing dumb shit like going ice skating on a lake. But yeah, we’ve got two sweet lakes.

The Great Wine Experiment

Wine isn’t really my drink (I’m more of an anything-else-because-wine-is-really-disgusting kind of guy). But, I do find wine snobs to be really annoying. Food and drink are completely subjective experiences (unlike art). I will enjoy what I enjoy, and ratings or a price on a bottle will not influence my happiness. One of my friends, Chris, disagreed. Yesterday, he spoke of how any simpleton with average appreciation for wine could tell a more expensive wine (therefore a better wine) from a cheap wine (therefore worse). So… I organized a little taste test! 6 glasses of wines ranging from 2 dollars to 18 dollars were given to 4 participants: Chris, Alistair, my brother, and my mom. (There was some complaining that the range of wines was’t big enough, but fuck you, I’m not going to buy a 50 dollar bottle of wine to prove a point)
Chris’ Hypothesis: All of the testers (except probably my brother, because he doesn’t really drink wine) would enjoy the most expensive wines the most and the least expensive wines the least. In short, there would be a 1-1 correlation between wine price and wine taste.
My Hypothesis: Not only would the testers not be able to put the wines in order from most expensive to least, but they also rarely agree with wine ratings because taste is such a subjective experience. Enough with the explanation… on to the data!

Each tester was asked to rate their cups from worst to best, with 1 representing the worst and 6 representing the best:

Wine #        Brother      Mom    Chris     Alistair
1                     2                 3              3            4
2                    4                  5             6             2
3                    3                 2               1            5
4                    6                 6              4            1
5                    1                  1              2            3
6                    5                 4               5           6

As you can see, theres actually some correlation between all of the testers. There are wines that did very well, like Wine #6 and Wine #4, and wines that did not do well, such as Wine #5. I was a little overzealous in my hypothesis I guess. Lets add up the totals and find the aggregate wine rating.

1st Place with 20 points: Wine #6
Tied for 2nd and 3rd Place with 17 points: Wines #2 and #4
4th Place with 12 points: Wine #1
5th Place with 11 points: Wine #3
6th Place with 7 points: Wine #5

(worth noting: the only wine with significant standard deviation [greater than 1.5], is wine 4 with a standard deviation of 2.4)

And now… lets actually reveal the wines tested.

The “best” wine (#6): The Holdings Cabernet 2009 (retail price: $16)
Analysis: Dammit. This was the second most expensive wine that they sampled. Oh well.

The “second best” (#2): Charles Shaw Merlot 2010 (retail price: $2.99)
Analysis: Hell yes! “Two buck chuck” is almost as good as a 16 dollar bottle?! I’m awesome!

Also tied for second (#4): Black Box Cabernet Sauvignon 2009 (retail price: $6.99)
Analysis: Boom! Another cheapish wine (this one was boxed!)

The “fourth best” wine (#1): HJ Fabre Malbec Reserva 2010 (retail price: $18)
Analysis: Good enough for me. This was the most expensive wine and didn’t even make the top half

The “second worst” wine (#3): Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon 2010 (retail price: $2.99)
Analysis: It looks like they are pretty decent at ranking Cabernets

The “worst” wine (#5): Charles Shaw Merlot 2010 (retail price: $2.99)
Analysis: You read that right! Wine #2 and #5 both came from the same bottle! They ranked it second best as well as last! Proved my point? I think I have…

Conclusions: I’m pretty happy with how this went. There’s not much correlation between the ranking of wines and the price of the wines. Alistair got pretty darn close, but everyone else (including Chris) were wayyyy off base. Especially with Chris’ so-called “experienced palate”, he ranked the same wine as both the best, and the second worst. Victory: this argument is over.

Errors: None. This was a perfect blinded trial. I should do this for a living.

New Year’s Resolutions!

Happy new year to our blog readers! To the rest of you, I hope you forget about your new year’s resolutions by tomorrow. Looks like those 20 lbs. are going to be sticking around for a while.

 Speaking of resolutions, yours truly has come up with a few ideas that might improve just about everything. Hopefully I can stick to them. 

  1. Become more fiscally responsible!
    Last year I got a job within the university, which was a generally positive change. That being said, the school should probably cut out the middle man (me) and send my paycheck directly to Espresso Royale. Seriously, I have my morning fix and a ton of snacks during the day (recommendations: chocolate chip scone, a banana, or the almond poppy seed bread).
    Solution:Make use of previously unused coffee machine sitting on my dorm’s kitchen counter. Save money.
  2. Finish the murder mysteries I start.
    I started The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo about a week ago since it’s gotten overwhelmingly positive reviews. It’s on a bestseller list somewhere. Note to self: Read the back of the book before purchasing! I didn’t realize it would be a pretty graphic murder mystery. I’ve learned a little bit about Sweden and everything, but sort of lost interest about 200 pages ago since checking Wikipedia for a plot summary.
    Solution:Stop checking Wikipedia and move away from the murder mystery genre.  
  3. Consolidate socks.
    This is always a problem. I wear matched socks about 10% of the time. Where do they go? This really isn’t a problem for anyone else; it’s really just a long-standing inquiry of mine, since there are feasibly only two places socks could be once they enter the washer/dryer cycle.
    Solution: ???
  4. Make time for the blog.
    With the onslaught of fall semester came a marked decrease in blog posts. Sorry, blog. Sorry, partner-in-crime (Mike).
    Solution:More blog posts!
  5. Get back into the dating scene.
  6. Become more widely-read!
    I haven’t read very much for pleasure since high school, mostly due to time constraints. Unless flipping through MAD on a monthly basis counts, I think it would be fruitful to expand my literary interests in case someone asks me what I thought about the Harry Potter series. (“Hmm yeah, the one with the owl was pretty good.”)
    Solution:Read more! Finish the Harry Potter series in order to understand pop culture references. Other books, too.
  7. Lost 15 lbs…
    Of emotional baggage! Just kidding.

 Looks like it’ll be a busy year!