Mike’s Guide To A Great First Date (With Mike)

So, you want to go on a date with me? Awesome. You have 4 options:

The Bowling Date

Ah bowling, the great American pastime. What would be better than to relax than to throw some 12 pounders down the lanes? Enjoy a $5 slice of pizza while we discuss whatever you feel like talking about. This date is right up your alley!


  • You’ll hear awesome puns like that last one
  • I’ll pay for the bowling; I’m not a cheap date!
  • People watching at bowling alleys is a lot of fun
  • You can beat me and I won’t get angry because I lost. I’m not very competitive with other people


  • I will not pay for your $5 pizza. Seriously, why would you even think to order that? Now we both know that I’m totally a cheap date
  • While I’m not competitive with other people, I’m extremely competitive with myself and I’ll get upset if I don’t break at least 160 (which I rarely get). You’ll stand by uncomfortably while I curse loudly at how much I suck at bowling
  • If this date is in the Naperville area, we’re going to have to go on a long, long drive because Brunswick Zone is really expensive and theres a ton of Neuqua kids there and I really doubt that you want to watch me say hello and catch up with every kid from my senior year physics class. So yeah, we’ll be driving to a really shady bowling alley in Aurora. But, thats why the people watching is so much fun!

The Chili’s Double
You’ve got a friend looking to get in on your going-on-a-date-with-me action? Have no fear, “The Chili’s Double” will work perfectly! Your friend is single? No problem, all of mine are too. Me and said friend will pick up you and yours at 6:00 and take you to be wined and dined at easily my favorite restaurant, Chili’s.
Have you had a burger there? Or a quesadilla? Oh my god, you haven’t? Prepare for a treat. You thought I was cheap with that bowling stuff, but any money put into a Chili’s bill is a great investment. Appetizers? Fuck yes, we’re getting a bottomless bowl of chips and salsa. And its only like a dollar and a half. If you’re impressed by fiscal responsibility, you’ve hit the jackpot.
You like desserts too, right? Well, lets see how full we feel after our meal. I mean, I don’t want to buy a whole bowl of ice cream if you aren’t going to finish it. You can box up your burger but you can’t box up ice cream to-go, so I’m not sure… Fine, we’ll get the ice cream.
As we enjoy the fantastic food as described above, you can listen to the clever banter between my friend and myself. Prepare for hi-liarious stories about our high school years and possibly other topics.
If you like delicious food and great company, this date is for you!


  • I really can’t overstate how much I enjoy the food at Chili’s
  • Hang out with your friend while on a date
  • Have fun socializing with me in a group setting


  • You hate Chili’s. Even after that whole spiel on Chili’s, you’ll only go begrudgingly. Why do women instinctively dislike Chili’s? I’m upset now

The Brian Date
There’s no better first date with me than “The Brian Date”! Curl up with me on a couch while we watch the classic Darabont film “The Shawshank Redemption”. Enjoy the sweeping landscapes of Maine and the soothing sounds of Morgan Freeman’s narration while I explain to you how:

you should really watch The Walking Dead. I mean, its gotten a lot worse in the last season, but its still a great transportation of the drama in Shawshank into a world filled with zombies. Well, now that I think about it, the drama has really been upped in the last season, so maybe it is the balance of the horror and drama that make the first season so amazing. But nonetheless, you should watch it sometime… With me, maybe?

So come spend a few hours at my place while we watch Andy Dufresne in his journey through a corrupt early American prison!


  • Its a wonderful movie
  • You get to listen to a sweet aria from a Mozart opera
  • Cuddling and such


  • A significant section of the movie involves prison rape. Like, I mean, theres 20 minutes just about how Andy tries to avoid being raped. We’ll both awkwardly watch in silence.
  • The movie is a lot longer than either of us will expect. Two and a half hours of sitting in silence kinda sucks for a date.

The Big-City Walkabout
You’re a woman of class, and you want a night on the town, so lets hit up the downtown area. Whether we’re in Madison, Naperville, Chicago, or Beloit, we’ll hit up the main plaza and enjoy what the city has to offer us. Is that a crepe stand? Hell yes! Crepes for two, si’l vous plait! We’ll wander the city, how about stopping in a Borders? Oh, they went bankrupt, Barns & Noble will do fine. We’ll talk about our favorite books and films and maybe I’ll even wear a tie.
We can walk through the bustling busy parts of the city or the calm open parks. Either way, this date is a great way to spend an afternoon!


  • Get to know me while exploring your local downtown area
  • Hand holding is certainly possible


  • Crepes are probably a bad idea. I get excited about crepes but almost always hate them. In theory, they’re awesome, but it just isn’t for me
  • Bookstore might be bad too… I’m not widely read at all, so if you expect me to know a lot of classic books, you’ll be disappointed. I mean, I did read Hamlet back in 7th grade, but people don’t consider that to be very impressive.
  • And television and film too. I mean I’ve seen a bit, but I’m very opinionated and like to argue about that type of stuff. So if you  really like watching “The New Girl” and can’t take some well deserved criticism on it, it might get weird.
  • Actually, if you’re into “The New Girl” this probably isn’t going to work out… I mean Zooey is super cute, but seriously dude.

Date Variations

While I only have 4 dates, there are a few variations that may throw the date into a whole new direction:

The Facial Growth
About every six months, I think that it’d be a great idea to grow out my facial hair. It looks dumb, but I’m going to do it anyways. Its totally possible that I’m somehow going to be able to grow a sweet beard.
So, if your date with me falls during this horrible time in my life, sorry.


  • None


  • It will look dumb
  • I’ll frequently bring attention to it by mentioning how dumb it looks. I will also try to come up with ridiculous excuses for growing it
  • I will shave it that night after the date, and awkwardly bring it up on our next date (if there is one) about “how dumb my face looked that day”

The Post-Run Date
Sometimes, I go for a giant run before a date. I’ll obviously shower beforehand, but I’m still going to be really lethargic the whole time while trying to impress you with how far I ran (“I mean, 6 miles really isn’t that much when you put it in context of the rest of my training regiment”)


  • I will be too tired to try to awkwardly make any awkward moves


  • Even if its been an hour since my run and my shower, I will still be sweating
  • I will complain about how hard my run was and you won’t be impressed

So yeah, lets do this


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