All the News That’s Shit to Print

Recently, I’ve started reading the best thing on the Internet: The College Daily. Their subtitle reads “Party. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.” Hell yes, this is a publication I can get behind. The College Daily posts everything a college student would want (probably on a daily basis). With broad humorous articles about college and frat life, sections for “Girl of the Week” and “Guy of the Week”, individual pages for each school featuring local eateries and articles, I feel like I may have a new homepage for my browser. Plus, a few of my schoolmates from high school contribute to this international affairs publication.

If I had the time and willpower, I could give an in depth analysis of this website. I could discuss its articles (one of the articles featured on the front page  is only 400 words long, and uses the phrase “[subject] never fails to…” 3 times). I could also discuss the “Guy of the Week” pages (which asks the deep, probing questions like “If you could be anyone who?” [sic] and “Ass or tits?”). Oh and I could talk about the “Eats” section that gives in-depth information (the name, phone number, and address) of local places to eat and a rating on Price and Delicious Factor (every restaurant had 5 stars for both). But, I’m not going to waste my time with that.

Wait. I can’t do this anymore. I need to stop acting so sarcastic. I’m sorry if I seem angry and hateful towards this harmless website. Its just… I feel jilted. Here’s the truth. I submitted an article to The College Daily and they rejected it. I’ll stop whining now. In case you’re curious though, here it is:

5 Reasons Why Madison Is The Dopest Party School Ever

1. Chicks.
The girls in Madison are the best. HANDS DOWN. Have you been to Beloit? Or Middleton? A Beloit 7 is pretty much a Madison 3 (which is a Cincinnati 8). Do the math dude. Our chicks rule.
2. Beer.
In Madison, beer is like water. Its everywhere! We drink it by the gallon, we shower in it, my bro Derek even washed his car with it last summer. Bring a keg into Madison and it will be dry before noon the next day.
3. Classes.
Classes? More like “fill up my glasses! (with beer!!)”! Stick with a legit major like Finance (like me!) and you’ve got it made, my man. You can schedule your day so you can sleep until 11, crank out your homework, get to class at 2, and be ready to party again by 9. Be careful not to major in some artsy shit like my gf, she’s got to write essays all goddam day dude.
4. Food.
Stomach all filled up with beer? NOT FOR LONG, ASSHOLE! Shove some delicious Madison food down there. Dig Mexican food? Hell yes, The Taco Shop and Qdoba will make your stomach jizz. More into Chinese? Whatever, we’ve also got the grittiest, dankest Chinese food you can imagine. Still not happy? Come to Library Mall and eat some trailer food that will make you reexamine your life. Put it in your face, its so good dude.
5. Lakes.
Got a new honey and want to impress her? Take her to one of Madison’s two kickass lakes and go for a skinny dip! Seriously, they’re picturesque as fuck and everyone loves them. If its too cold (like half of the stupid year), then take her out for an ice skate on the lake! Its romantic and she’ll probably think you’re super sensitive or something for doing dumb shit like going ice skating on a lake. But yeah, we’ve got two sweet lakes.

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