Don’t Mention Any Of These To Me

Your Happiness With Waking Up Early

2pm?! You slept that late? I was up at 8am and I feel awesome. I can’t do that to myself, sleeping in past 8. It makes me feel so lazy and…

I get it. You’re proud that you got an early start to your day and you feel great about it. I can’t relate to you though. I will sleep until 10am every morning unless I have an inescapable commitment. I love sleeping in so don’t try to make me feel guilty about it.

Anything Involving Geography

How did you get lost on your way to Wisconsin? You just take 88 West…

First of all, the answer to the question is easy: I’m stupid. Moving on, why do we need to have this conversation? Whether its the relative positions of two cities or two countries, or how to get to a restaurant, we don’t need to discuss this at all. Just look a goddam map. Seriously, don’t say “Oh, its easy to get to Iowa from here, you just take [whatever highway] south and then merge onto…” Stop. I’m not listening. I’m going to print out driving instructions off Google because why not?! It automatically prints out a map with it, don’t make me listen to your directions.

Doubting My Enjoyment Of Subjective Experiences

How can you eat Little Caesars?! It tastes like shit. Its seriously worse than frozen pizza…

I get that you have a negative opinion of it, but we’re talking about food/music/art which makes your opinion only as valid as mine.    Go ahead and explain why you dislike it, thats totally fine. But don’t act like you can’t comprehend my enjoyment of something you hate.

Any Event In My Life Prior To 1999

Just don’t. Yes, I had a stutter and was really into magic tricks. Hilarious, lets move on with life.

Economic Policies

See, the problem with ‘trickle down economics’ is…

I don’t understand macroeconomics, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either. So if you have any confidence in your words, you can convince me that big government/small government/feudalism/anarchist/capitalist is the best fiscal form of governance. So lets just not have that conversation. Everything you say will go right over my head and I’ll just nod politely whenever you take a break from talking at me. I totally understand social politics and have opinions out the wazoo, and I have a pretty good grasp of microeconomics, but macroeconomics is just bullshit.

One More Thing About Geography

Oh yeah, if I ever get lost and ask you for directions (probably only because I didn’t have a map), don’t give me help using only cardinal directions. “So you want to go East at the fork in the road” “I don’t know which direction I’m traveling. I don’t have a compass built into my face”. Use “right”, “left”, and “straight”. Thats all we need.

An Online Story That You Think Is True

Dude, you have to read this TextFromLastNight! You won’t believe it…

Correct. I don’t believe it. I don’t mean a news story or even something on Wikipedia, I’m talking about firsthand, anonymous accounts of anything. Whether its from Reddit, Texts From Last Night, Texts From Bennet, FMyLife, Badger Shout Outs, or any other site like this, it didn’t happen. Sorry, but thats how I approach any anonymous story on the web. It might have a funny joke in it, but I will read it purely as a hypothetical joke. I know, I’m the fun ruiner.


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