My Secret Life As A College Reporter

Believe it or not, The College Daily has actually printed the article that I wrote for them! Not only have they posted it to their front page, but a student has written a retaliation post about how Madison sucks and the University of Kansas has “the coolest college kids in the country”. You don’t have to read it, but trust me when I say that the article is awful. I wasn’t really sure how to follow up my first post (I really doubted it would be published), so now I’m going for broke and critiquing articles on the site. There is no way in hell that they will publish this, so go ahead and read it here:

7 Best Grammatical Mistakes In
“10 Best Things To Do In Lawrence”

Some punk bitch decided to call me out on Madison not being the dopest party school ever. Jerk. Well, he called me out, so I’m going to do the same… GRAMMAR STYLE! Everyone knows that every badass partier in Wisconsin knows to never leave a dangling participle. I’m no nerd, but it looks like KU is about to get SCHOOLED!

1. Use of “Their”, “They’re”, and “There”

Come on motherfucker, this is what you should have been learning in second grade. OPEN UP A BOOK, PUNK (and possibly use the pages as rolling papers later).

There refers to a place. “Have you been to my new favorite bar, Wando’s?. I cheated on my girlfriend there last week.”
They’re is a contraction of “they are” as in “I can’t believe both my girlfriend and that chick are pissed at me about that. They’re total boneheads.”
Their is used to note possession. “They are probably just on their periods.”

EXAMPLE:

Where the new Freshman are excited to branch out of high school and not think there sexual endeavours will spread for everyone to know…

ONE MORE FOR FUCKS SAKE:

But on the real Naismith is that chill spot for those who used to live their if you ask they miss it dearly its really some of the most fun you will have SORRY!

2. Proper Punctuation

I’m not going to be a grammar nazi and challenge you just for your omission of an oxford comma (who gives a fuck, right?), but I will call you out on forgetting to use proper commas in sentence structure. Remember guys, sentences have proper beats and pauses and you better tap that pause right (just like I’m tapping every Tri Delt on campus). Also, if you need to use an ellipse, you only have to use three dots in a row… like I fuckin’ just did.

EXAMPLE:

As a KU student and a lover of everything Jayhawk we have developed this list.

Read that sentence and you’ll naturally pause after “Jayhawk”. Well, throw down a comma after that, bi-otch.

3. Ending A Sentence With A Preposition

Pull your head out of your ass and proofread your shit before you post. This is sentence structure 101. A preposition links a noun or a phrase to the rest of the sentence (just like how I’m linked to your mom). You’ll know its a preposition if you can fit it into this sentence: “My weed is ____ my bong.” Let’s see what works: on, near, from, beside, upon, beneath, inside, of. Pretty easy, eh? So if you have with a sentence that ends in a preposition, change that shit.

EXAMPLE:

This is the best grub spot in town and a place everyone speaks highly of.

4. Knowing The Difference Between Singular And Plural

Listen up, Bro-trus Bro-trus Ghali. You can get away with this shit in speaking, but not in writing. Learn it, make your resume look badass. I’m not going to spell it out for you, just take a look and bask in your incorrectness.

EXAMPLE:

the place that all Freshman need to learn to step their game up so they don’t have 4 years of getting carried home every night.

5. Run-On Sentences

Run-on sentences are just shitty. You’re writing something that people are hypothetically going to read, so don’t make it difficult as fuck to read. I could teach you some nerdy shit like how to diagram a sentence, but I mean I totally have no idea how to do that because I’m no prissy nerd. But thats still cool, there are other tricks you can use to know when you need to break up a goddam sentence. Tip one: just read it out loud and see if it sounds awful. Tip two: have a friend read it and see if he can understand it. Well anyways, some sentences in your article fail both those tests. Sorry, asshole.

EXAMPLE:

But on the real Naismith is that chill spot for those who used to live their if you ask they miss it dearly its really some of the most fun you will have SORRY!

ONE MORE FOR FUCKS SAKE:

Don’t even get me started about Iowa like O.K. cool god forbid there is a famine you have a life supply of Corn it says it when you drive in the state “Fields of Opportunities” ain’t that depressing.

6. Typos

Just give it a proofread before you push enter. All the chicks will love you for it (the girls always go down on me for my great writing skills), and you’ll earn my respect (but I probably won’t go down on you for your writing skills).

EXAMPLE:

Plus with the ration of girls to guys being like 10 to 1 you can’t complain

7. Homophones

Yeah, I already gave you some shit for this with “there, their, and they’re”, but I’m relentless so here goes. You know homophones (no homo), right? Thats when two words sounds the same, but look and mean something different. Look at “two” and “too”; they sound the same but are really different (like a Delta Gamma and and Alpha Phi, duh). Keep an eye out for those; they’re distracting and you made me spill my redbull and vodka on my fuckin’ jeans when I read some of yours.

EXAMPLE:

It is wear the cream of the crop come to tone up the previous nights mistakes of the 15 shots and the Fuzzy’s tacos that where inhaled in one bite.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s