The Skinny On Not Being So Fat

Soon after celebrating my 21st birthday, I got a new drivers license (its horizontal now y’all!). I had to resubmit my height and weight. Height: I grew an inch! Up from 5 feet, 9 inches all the way to 5 feet, 10 inches. Sweet! My weight… Wait. This sucks. Up from 135. Currently 173. Ouch! Almost 40 pounds in 5 years! Thats like 6 gallons of water weight. Okay, its not water weight, thats fat. So, we have a problem. Let’s deal with this shit. How do we problem solve? Goals, mugglefucker!

To make this whole “weight loss journey” more interesting, I have a bet going on with a pal of mine named Sam. The bet started on Sunday, and whoever loses the most weight by the end of the month, slaps the other person for every extra pound gained. That’s my kind of incentive!

1. Set A Goal
Boom, down to 140 in 5 months. That means I’m beach ready and rocksteady for… June! Easier said than done, right? Probably. Well, short term goal: lose 10 pounds in this first month? Yeah, thats doable.

2. Exercise
For this first month, my goal is to go to the gym (spin class?) 6 days a week. Saturdays are run days (even though it would sound better if it were on a Sunday). Run at least 5 miles on Saturdays. So yeah, spin class is an hour of cardio. That should be sufficient. [n.b. studying/homework isn’t an excuse for skipping the gym, dickwad. Stop watching the Daily Show and be less fat.]

3. Diet
Lets not go crazy with the diets, alright? The purpose of losing weight is to make me happy, so I’m not going to completely cut foods that I enjoy (ya know? so I’ll stay happy?). So lets plan out this next month. No more chips and no more cookies or cake (and other candy type things). I mean, I don’t really enjoy those anyways, so I’ll just say no. I don’t really drink soda so no need to cut that… Pretty much, when I’m craving a snack, reach for a banana or a yogurt instead of doritos. Eh, I can go farther than that, no more than one fried food (or of equivalent shitty nutrition [I’m looking at you, slice of pizza]) per day. Oh and breakfast, I suck at eateng breakfast and I hear its super good for metabolism, so every morning, eat eggs or yogurt before class.

 4. Slap Strategy
Now that I’ve pretty much lost all that weight (in theory), how should I strike Sam’s face? He’s got a similar belly to mass index as me, so I imagine he’ll do alright. That being said, I may only have one chance to hit him. My gut reaction is telling me to go for a backhand, like I’m challenging him to a duel or something, but in practice, that usually doesn’t work so well. I saw a friend of mine go down (hard) after a forehand and his backhand barely seemed to hurt the other guy (note: the backhander is in the goddamned armed forces, and the backhandee is definitely weaker). But perhaps the backhand is good after a good practice slap (and not so much alcohol). We shall see soon though.

To wrap up, I’m only 21 years old, I have the metabolism of a young man (because I am one), and I have no excuse for being so out of shape. I’ll be updating once a week on how I’ve been eating and how I’ve been exercising, so go ahead and give me crap and make fun of me if I’m not being hard enough on my body (seriously, public humiliation was how I got rid of my stutter). In only six months, I totally have the potential of looking like this:

Beefcake Alert!

Current Weight: 173

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