I was so close to making this awesome, but I really cannot manage it. Maybe someone can save me and salvage this idea, turn it into gold. But until then, It’s just here, a sign of my lack of writing talent. See, I had an idea last week: “It’s really common for kids to pretend that they know everything about sex, and exaggerate stories about it all the time. Wouldn’t it be funny to take a guy who always lies about how much he gets laid, and challenge him to write a sex advice column?” That’s a great idea right there, if I do say so myself. Maybe it would work better as a skit or short film? That way the “expert” can stammer and really show the reader that he has no idea what he was talking about. Well, I still tried to write a little piece about a fictional guy who has never been with a woman, but he still writes a sex advice column. I wanted the reader to gradually realize that this guy is just talking out of his ass; that he has no idea what he is talking about. Unfortunately, I lack that kind of subtle writing. So I ended up with this. The fact that I’m telling you the premise of it right now completely ruins the joke, so there’s no point in you reading it. I tried at least. So, if you’re talented at writing, please rewrite this into something good:
Hey everybody! Over the last few weeks, we’ve received a lot of questions from our readers about personal matters. For questions pertaining to sex, we went to the most knowledgable person we know about sex. After hearing so many of his tales of women he’s been with, we gave him our mailbag and he’s answered a few of your questions. We hope you enjoy it!
-Mike and Val
Dear Mr. X,
What music do you recommend for setting the mood? My girlfriend and I can’t seem to find anything that’s sexy enough for us.
-Musical Orgasms Are Neat!
That’s a great question, M.O.A.N., because choosing some acceptable “sex music” can be challenge! With my many sex partners, I have found that you should play music that fits how you do sex. For example, some of the women that I have been in sexual relationships with enjoy their sex at a faster tempo. Logically, this sex is typically accompanied with some sort of faster paced music, such as pop rock or if you enjoy traditional music, Figaro’s first aria from The Barber of Seville is a great one. In fact, with the constantly changing melodies, having sex to “Largo al Factotum” is a great way to demonstrate sexual prowess. For a couple that enjoys having sex at a lower speed though, a slower musical selection should be chosen. Perhaps, you would enjoy a ballad by Bob Dylan or to a slower traditional song, such as Rosina’s cavatina “Una voce poco fa” from The Barber of Seville. I hope I have answered your query successfully.
Dear Mr. X,
I’d like to try having sex on my period, but don’t know if it would be gross to ask. What are some ways to keep it clean?
-Ready And Gross!
Ah, the old sex and periods problem. R.A.G., from my many sexual encounters, it did not take long until I came across this situation. I soon found that as a woman goes through a 28 day menstrual cycle, she will shed her uterine lining on three to five of these days. That means, about 14% of the time that I have sex with women, they will be having periods. Ultimately, this decision is up to the both of you depending on how comfortable you both feel with having sex while you are shedding your uterine lining. I imagine that you may be at ease with being around your uterine lining, but it is possible that it may make your boyfriend uncomfortable, especially if he is not familiar with what a uterine lining is. With my vast experience though, I have found that I am completely accommodating to a menstruating female, so perhaps your boyfriend is as well.
Dear Mr. X,
I’d like to try something kinkier in the bedroom, but haven’t really tried anything yet. is there a way to experiment with some “kinky-lite” moves?
-(Kinda) I’m Not Kinky
As defined by Dictionary.com, a kink is “an act marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior, such as fetishism, sadomasochism, or the like”. So K.I.N.K., there’s nothing wrong with exploring what you are sexually comfortable with. For example, one of the many women that I have been in a sexual encounter with was a fan of an act called “bondage” where she put handcuffs on my wrists. While sex was more challenging without the use of my hands (because I had trouble moving myself into different positions), she took great pleasure from it and had an orgasm. I have also have had sex with a woman who enjoyed the act of spanking me. She also took great pleasure from it and had an orgasm. Those two moves are some beginner kink moves, so you and your partner should consider those.
Dear Mr. X,
My boyfriend has a few roommates that are usually around when we want to make love (I hate that phrase). I’d like to try out some other places, but don’t know if doing it in public would be going too far. What do you think?
-Where To Fuck?!
I understand your problem W.T.F., and I often face it myself. That is a significant reason why I never bring women back to my apartment: I don’t want to be in the awkward situation of being interrupted during my sex. Some of my roommates insist that I do not bring women back to my apartment because I have never actually been intimate with a woman, but this is false. The sex is usually done at the woman’s place but I have also had sex in locations in bathroom stalls. That is preferable for when I meet a woman at a bar and we impulsively have sex, so I am unsure if that will what kind of location your boyfriend and you are looking for. Have you thought of having sexual relations at your place instead?