Conversation Starters (That Will Make Most People Like Me Less)

These are things that I think about all the time, but I can never talk about them because they’re all either overly critical of insignificant things or really irrational.

Let's talk about something other than red velvet cake. You'll be much happier!

I have a fear that I’m going to die from the hiccups

So you’re eating a gyro with extra onions and suddenly you get the hiccups. Your lungs and throat lose complete control of themselves and you can’t control your breathing. Sure, you can try water, but that’s no instant guarantee and it’s the scariest thing ever. How do people not freak out like I do?! Every time I get the hiccups, I feel like I’m drowning and if you look into my eyes, you can watch me stare death in the face.

I hate sprinkles

I just don’t get it. It doesn’t change the flavor; it’s just food coloring that is going straight into your digestive system. My mouth and stomach don’t care at all. The bigger question is, why do you like them so much? Are you just attracted to colorful or shiny objects? Are you a fucking fish? Enjoy the simple things in life. Don’t go around adding bells and whistles to everything that you already enjoy.

I hate funfetti (corollary to previous)

I’m pretty sure that people only enjoy funfetti (and why I say “enjoy”, I mean go totally apeshit for) because of the sprinkles (already noted) and the stupid name. I get that you think the name is… fun to say. That’s stupid, let’s move on.

I have a fear that red velvet cake is made with blood

Now this one is really irrational. I have no idea why I think this, but deep down in my core I feel like it must be true. I already explained that it’s dumb that people dye foods colors to make them look bright and colorful, but why would a chef dye a cake blood red… unless it’s only red because that’s a key ingredient in it! Seriously, if you’re going to bake a cake and you insist on dying it a color, go with any other color than one that universally symbolizes meat and murder.

Why not make a different colored cake instead?

I instantly hate people that end any block of text with “lol”

Why would you end a sentence with “lol”? Did you say something funny? If you think you did, let me be the judge. Maybe that’s not actually why. Maybe it’s the people that habitually end their texts/messages with “lol” that ruined it for everyone? But for whatever reason that I think this, just don’t ever do it to me.

I feel like everyone loves showers, but I just don’t

Don’t get me wrong, I still take a shower at least once a day. But my showers take the exact amount of time that it takes for me to soap up (thanks science, for finally inventing body wash that also works as shampoo) and rinse off. No longer than 3 minutes. Boom. Why are you taking so long? Do you like the heat? Get under a blanket, it’s cheaper and you’ll save water. Do you like to get wet? Go for a swim then, stop taking all the hot water.

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