Adventures In Online Dating

A few weeks ago, I made an account on an online dating site on a whim. I mean, I know more than one (the number is “two”) friend who has started  relationship on there, so why not give it a try myself? Obviously, the reason is “because online dating has a stigma and only creepy, desperate people do it”. Well fuck you, I don’t care about a stigma and I’m totally happy being single. Except not really, so off to the world of online dating!

How am I possibly still single?!

Choosing a Dating Site
Well, this wasn’t really a challenge. All the kids these days seem to be on OkCupid and it’s free, so that’s what I did. I answered a few questions and filled out a profile. It’s totally available for viewing here:

Preconceptions I Had
(NB: they’re all wrong)

  • No one I know in real life would be on the site. ReasonNone of my friends as pathetic as me.
  • I would remain open to new experiences and people. Reason: The whole point of this is to meet new people and put myself out there!
  • There would be absolutely no people who are really attractive and have great personalities. Reason: I figured these women would already be in relationships; women missing one or both of those traits will be the only ones I can find.

 So I began the online dating process. I perused some profiles and sent some messages. Already, my preconceptions began to crumble because I was wrong about…

No one I know in real life would be on the site.
False, everyone I know in real life is on OkCupid. Very often my homepage will suggest that I date someone that I already know (yes, it’s weird). Here’s an incomplete list of them:

  • People I see on the bus
  • My dental hygienist
  • A member of my D&D campaign
  • My middle school swim coach
  • People in my classes
  • You, person reading this blog

I would remain open to new experiences and people.
Nope, there are tons of reasons why I won’t respond to a message on OkCupid and most of them are for stupid, judgmental reasons. In real life, I really wouldn’t care that much about people doing the following (although they are all turn-offs), but for some reason these are all automatic deal-breakers online:

  • Spelling/grammatical errors in profile
  • Veiled mysterious references to her “past”
  • Being a fan of “The New Girl” or “Big Bang Theory”
  • Wearing fingerless gloves
  • Mentioning more than once that she loves to laugh
  • Being crazy (i.e. “I want to be impressed all the time, but don’t try to impress me”)
  • Mentioning at all that she loves to smile
  • Repeatedly defining herself by one dumb thing (i.e. skirts, hair, eyes)

There would be absolutely no people who are really attractive and have great personalities.
Now at first, this seemed totally plausible. And I still maintain that while there is some statistical noise, there is usually a pretty strong correlation between the hotness of a girl in her photo and the quality of her profile. It makes total sense, a more attractive girl can get a lot of dates with just a picture rather than a description of her personality (Boring! Who likes reading anyways?). In fact, I was kind of excited when I read an article online about how on OkCupid…

the beautiful folks who fall into the top half of the site’s most attractive users–as ranked by OKCupid click data and algorithms–will see more good-looking people in their searches than before.

Awesome! This meant that I could avoid all the hotties with their cowboy hats and shitty personalities. I could move straight onto the fellow average looker with the heart of gold and be happy and marry and have tons of kids. But then, I got this email…


Now that I’m a certified hunk (and maybe I’m biased, but I think that I have a good personality), I guess I’m going to have to mark this theory as null too. Good, I guess, right?

Well, I guess it’s just up to me to go on some more dates then. Or save me the effort and just ask me out for some pesto yourself.


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