I’ve tried to keep this under wraps until recently, but I was filmed as part of reality show pilot over the winter. It follows the lives of three teen exorcists in Arizona and I was lucky enough to be featured on it! It looks like the series is not going to be picked up, so I’ve put a transcript of the scenes with me in it. Enjoy!
Michael: Hi, I’m Michael. I’ve been having sleeping problems and medication isn’t really helping, so I’m taking my problems to the real pros: Exorcists. While my “doctor” insists that I’m having trouble sleeping because I drink caffeine all day and never exercise, my family thinks we should put a pin in this science stuff and give demon chasing a shot. Pretty much, I wanted a free trip to Arizona to get out of the super crappy Midwest winter. Also, have you seen the exorcists?!
AIRPORT PARKING LOT
Brynne: You must be Michael! It’s nice to meet you.
Michael: That’s me! Thanks so much for agreeing to help me out with this. Also, holy crap! It’s 80 degrees! This is awesome!
Tess: No problem, it’s what we do.
Michael: So… what’s the first step in this? Do you all just start yelling at me with crosses now, or should we go somewhere more private?
Brynne: Haha, not quite yet. We need to get to know you better first, to learn about the demons inside you.
Michael: Oh yeah of course, you gotta do that first. Should we grab a drink and chat then? Is there a good bar around here?
Savannah: Hahaha, of course not! That must the demons in you talking. We can’t drink; Tess and Brynne are only seventeen…
Savannah: But I’m twenty, so… almost there!
Michael: Oh thank God. Ha! So… yeah. Should we go to like an Abercrombie or something? I don’t really know where kids hang out to talk. Isn’t Dubstep a restaurant? Twitter?
Brynne: Well, our interviews are usually done at the church, unless the demons are somehow trying to prevent you to go to one.
Michael: Yup! That’s the ticket. How about something more…
Michael: Boom! This is what I’m talkin’ bout! Enjoying your bottomless chip?
Tess: Yeah, I guess.
Michael: Sweet! Awesome. So, how are you all doing? What do you guys do other than exorcisms? Music? Uhhh…?
Brynne: We’re good. We also enjoy horseback riding and karate.
Michael: Oh yeah, of course. Me too. Totally…
Savannah: Let’s get down to business. When did you get possessed?
Michael: Well, my sleeping problems started just about a year ago. But, I’ve had sleeping problems on and off throughout childhood. So maybe I previously had a demon inside me and it left. But about a year ago I was… repossessed.
Michael: So, a year.
Brynne: Alright, have you heard any voices? Experienced any demonic dreams? Felt a presence of some sort?
Michael: Not really, no… But sleeping problems! Demon related, right?
Savannah: Almost certainly. Are you a firm believer? Do you really wish God to help you free your body?
Michael: Yup! Well, kinda. Maybe. I was confirmed? Is that good enough?
Brynne: I suppose. Well I can feel the presence of evil within you, and we’ll try our best to rid you of it.
Michael: Sweet! So how does this work? Do I get strapped down? I have a phobia about not being able to move my arms…
Brynne: That shouldn’t be necessary, hopefully. We’ll simply use the power of God to get the demon from your body. It can be done through prayer, crosses, and holy water.
Michael: Sounds kickass! Are you going to do some kind of test to figure out if I’m actually just faking or schizophrenic?
Tess: Nope! We can feel the demon from your presence. Let’s get to the chapel and do this!
Brynne: Are you alright? Is the demon making you feel uncomfortable because you’re in a church?
Michael: Yeah, that’s totally it. It’s definately not because I’m about to have three teenage girls get all up on me and yell at me until I have a seizure.
Savannah: Great. we’ll begin then. Lie down on this table. Say this prayer with us.
All: Dear Lord, we ask you for help in the expulsion of this horrible demon from this kind, innocent being.
Michael: Aw, thanks guys!
Tess: DEMON, WHY MUST YOU TRY TO DESTROY THIS BODY?
Michael: Oh boy, we’re starting.
Savannah: SPEAK TO US DEMON! BY THE POWER OF GOD, SPEAK!
Michael: Uh… what?
Savannah: Do you hear that fear? The demon is obviously concerned.
Brynne: SPEAK TO US IN YOUR NATIVE TONGUE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THIS POOR SOUL?
Michael: Er.. Je suis timide.
Tess: I recognize that! The demon is speaking Aramaic. He’s saying something about ‘being sent from the Devil Himself!’
Michael: Quoi? Quoi?
Tess: More Aramaic… He’s saying ‘Sin! Sin!’
Savannah: YOU CANNOT MAKE US SIN YOU DEMON! RELEASE THIS MAN!
Michael: Jesus Christ…
Brynne: Yes Michael! Come back to us! Use the power of the Lord to break free!
Savannah: I’ll get him with the holy water!
Michael: Ouch, please stop hitting me in the chest.
Tess: RID YOURSELF FROM HIS HEART!
Michael: I think I’m done with this…
Savannah: It’s almost done with his body! LEAVE DEMON!
Michael: Yeah totally. Oh man, this demon is so leaving my body right now.
Brynne: Yes! Pray harder!
Michael: Yup, it’s gone. Awesome, I’m absolutely demon free.
6 WEEKS LATER
Michael: Well, that didn’t work at all. But Chili’s was great and the weather was amazing!