Unaired Excerpts From “Teen Demon Hunters”

I’ve tried to keep this under wraps until recently, but I was filmed as part of reality show pilot over the winter. It follows the lives of three teen exorcists in Arizona and I was lucky enough to be featured on it! It looks like the series is not going to be picked up, so I’ve put a transcript of the scenes with me in it. Enjoy!

Michael: Hi, I’m Michael. I’ve been having sleeping problems and medication isn’t really helping, so I’m taking my problems to the real pros: Exorcists. While my “doctor” insists that I’m having trouble sleeping because I drink caffeine all day and never exercise, my family thinks we should put a pin in this science stuff and give demon chasing a shot. Pretty much, I wanted a free trip to Arizona to get out of the super crappy Midwest winter. Also, have you seen the exorcists?!

"Exorcism? More like... what?! Two of them are seventeen? Nevermind."

AIRPORT PARKING LOT
Brynne: You must be Michael! It’s nice to meet you.
Michael: That’s me! Thanks so much for agreeing to help me out with this. Also, holy crap! It’s 80 degrees! This is awesome!
Tess: No problem, it’s what we do.
Michael: So… what’s the first step in this? Do you all just start yelling at me with crosses now, or should we go somewhere more private?
Brynne: Haha, not quite yet. We need to get to know you better first, to learn about the demons inside you.
Michael: Oh yeah of course, you gotta do that first. Should we grab a drink and chat then? Is there a good bar around here?
Savannah: Hahaha, of course not! That must the demons in you talking. We can’t drink; Tess and Brynne are only seventeen…
Michael: *gasp*
Savannah: But I’m twenty, so… almost there!
Michael: Oh thank God. Ha! So… yeah. Should we go to like an Abercrombie or something? I don’t really know where kids hang out to talk. Isn’t Dubstep a restaurant? Twitter?
Brynne: Well, our interviews are usually done at the church, unless the demons are somehow trying to prevent you to go to one.
Michael: Yup! That’s the ticket. How about something more…

CHILI’S
Michael: Boom! This is what I’m talkin’ bout! Enjoying your bottomless chip?
Tess: Yeah, I guess.
Michael: Sweet! Awesome. So, how are you all doing? What do you guys do other than exorcisms? Music? Uhhh…?
Brynne: We’re good. We also enjoy horseback riding and karate.
Michael: Oh yeah, of course. Me too. Totally…
Savannah: Let’s get down to business. When did you get possessed?
Michael: Well, my sleeping problems started just about a year ago. But, I’ve had sleeping problems on and off throughout childhood. So maybe I previously had a demon inside me and it left. But about a year ago I was… repossessed.
Tess: *cough*
Michael: So, a year.
Brynne: Alright, have you heard any voices? Experienced any demonic dreams? Felt a presence of some sort?
Michael: Not really, no… But sleeping problems! Demon related, right?
Savannah: Almost certainly. Are you a firm believer? Do you really wish God to help you free your body?
Michael: Yup! Well, kinda. Maybe. I was confirmed? Is that good enough?
Brynne: I suppose. Well I can feel the presence of evil within you, and we’ll try our best to rid you of it.
Michael: Sweet! So how does this work? Do I get strapped down? I have a phobia about not being able to move my arms…
Brynne: That shouldn’t be necessary, hopefully. We’ll simply use the power of God to get the demon from your body. It can be done through prayer, crosses, and holy water.
Michael: Sounds kickass! Are you going to do some kind of test to figure out if I’m actually just faking or schizophrenic?
Tess: Nope! We can feel the demon from your presence. Let’s get to the chapel and do this!

CHAPEL
Brynne: Are you alright? Is the demon making you feel uncomfortable because you’re in a church?
Michael: Yeah, that’s totally it. It’s definately not because I’m about to have three teenage girls get all up on me and yell at me until I have a seizure.
Savannah: Great. we’ll begin then. Lie down on this table. Say this prayer with us.
All: Dear Lord, we ask you for help in the expulsion of this horrible demon from this kind, innocent being.
Michael: Aw, thanks guys!
Tess: DEMON, WHY MUST YOU TRY TO DESTROY THIS BODY?
Michael: Oh boy, we’re starting.
Savannah: SPEAK TO US DEMON! BY THE POWER OF GOD, SPEAK!
Michael: Uh… what?
Savannah: Do you hear that fear? The demon is obviously concerned.
Brynne: SPEAK TO US IN YOUR NATIVE TONGUE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THIS POOR SOUL?
Michael: Er.. Je suis timide.
Tess: I recognize that! The demon is speaking Aramaic. He’s saying something about ‘being sent from the Devil Himself!’
Michael: Quoi? Quoi?
Tess: More Aramaic… He’s saying ‘Sin! Sin!’
Savannah: YOU CANNOT MAKE US SIN YOU DEMON! RELEASE THIS MAN!
Michael: Jesus Christ…
Brynne: Yes Michael! Come back to us! Use the power of the Lord to break free!
Savannah: I’ll get him with the holy water!
Michael: Ouch, please stop hitting me in the chest.
Tess: RID YOURSELF FROM HIS HEART!
Michael: I think I’m done with this…
Savannah: It’s almost done with his body! LEAVE DEMON!
Michael: Yeah totally. Oh man, this demon is so leaving my body right now.
Brynne: Yes! Pray harder!
Michael: Yup, it’s gone. Awesome, I’m absolutely demon free.

6 WEEKS LATER
Michael
: Well, that didn’t work at all. But Chili’s was great and the weather was amazing!

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