My Three Favorite Bathrooms On Campus

Crisis can indeed be agony. But it is the exquisite agony which a man might not want to experience again- yet would not for the world have missed.
-Richard M. Nixon

I put in a lot of time into thinking about bathrooms on campus. I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty sure that I know of the best spots. NB: Yes, I’m a nerd that lives on lakeshore. Sorry east campus popular jocks, I haven’t tested out any bathrooms in the business buildings.

[I got this idea from the awesome blog that my friend Aaron runs. Check it out!]

1. Holt Commons, Basement: Handicapped Stall

This is probably my favorite bathroom to use if I’m ever in a hurry, and it’s pretty convenient because this bathroom is right by my dorm. First off, take a step into this bathroom and you’ll notice two fantastic traits: it’s huge and it smells great. I get upset pretty easily at bad smelling bathrooms, but this one just has the most pleasant of odors. There must be really good ventilation plus scented candles or something because it is just lovely. And for a bathroom that no one uses in a small dining hall, they have three urinals, two stalls, and two fucking sinks!  Goddam, I feel like I’m in a movie. Also, this is one of the few bathrooms on campus that has paper towels as opposed to just air dryers. Nice. I’m not usually a big fan of using handicapped stalls, but this bathroom gets so little foot traffic that I don’t mind at all. Go ahead and relax in the handicapped stall. You’ll have way more room than you could ever know what to do with.

One Shitty Problem: One of the urinals is right next to one of the sinks. Like… no personal space at all there. So just avoid that urinal.

Rating: 5/5 Shits. You really can’t do better than this.

2. Van Vleck, Floor B2: Stall On The Right

If I’m ever on Bascom Hill and feel the need, Van Vleck’s second basement floor bathroom is the place to be. Intuition is going to tell you to stay on B1, because they have 8 stalls, 10 urinals, and like 5 sinks. No. Don’t. They get crowded during passing periods, have awful sinks, and most of the doors don’t work. Go down one more floor and find the hidden bathroom of B2. This possibly-once-a-broom-closet is a cozy place to hide away from the giant bathroom crowds. Not only will you enjoy your bathroom break in silence, but you can also read some of the funniest graffiti on campus. All of them are dick jokes, and all of them are hilarious. I’ve been reading it a few times a week for the last three years and it’s still enjoyable to me.

One Shitty Problem: The coat hanger on the back of the door is broken, so you have to set your backpack on the floor. Sorry.

Rating: 4.5/5 Shits. If you’ve got a class around Van Vleck, this is the best place.

3. Chamberlin Hall, 2nd Floor: 2nd Or 3rd Stall From The Right

If you spend a lot of time on University Ave. or in the Physics Museum on campus (who doesn’t?!), then I have the bathroom for you. Don’t go to the first floor bathroom, there is only one stall and someone is always in it (you know who you are). This is the only bathroom on campus that looks nice. It has nice dark tiles, plus separate areas for sinks and toilets. Also, plenty of sinks with paper towels. While the bathroom does get pretty crazy during passing periods, most physics kids are scared enough of people that it’s never too busy to find an open stall. Also, my two favorite stalls have some graffiti of amazingly clever political commentary that is updated daily. I have no more need to watch the news, because there is at least one new paragraph every day which tells the virtues of any given politician. By the end of the day, there is usually a point by point rebuttal and explanation of how the original poster is objectively retarded. What a perfect system!

One Shitty Problem: This bathroom is notorious for broken down stalls. At least one stall will be unusable due to construction (who is the person breaking these toilets?!) and sometimes both of my favorites will be shut down.

Rating: 4.3/5 Shits. Take a break from your physical sciences to learn about the social sciences and Ron Paul.

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