Sharing A Bed With Michael: A Guide

[Note to my parents: this FAQ is satire. Not only have I never shared a bed with anyone, but I also am not sure what a “bed” is.]

So… you’re sharing a bed with Michael.

Wait, what?

Yes. You two will be sleeping in the same bed tonight.

Ok… Why?

Maybe you’re a friend from out of town looking for a place to crash for the night, or his new romantic interest, or his cousin trying to save some money on a hotel while backpacking through Europe. Whatever caused it, there’s two things that we know: you and Michael will be sleeping in the same bed tonight, and he is pissed.

You’re right, he looks really angry. What did I do?

Well, however it is that you ended up sharing a bed with him, he probably fought against it pretty hard.

Yeah, he did.

He did that for the sake of both of you. Come morning, there’s going to be two miserable people in this bed. Neither of you will get a good nights sleep.

Oh that’s why? It’ll be fine, if he needs his space we’ll just sleep on the far sides of the bed. There’s plenty of room!

Do you know what would be plenty of room for him?


His own goddam bed.

Oh jeez, calm down. I’ve got a really comfortable bed. He’ll love it.

Is it the “Beddinge Lovas” from IKEA?


He’s going to hate it. He likes a really firm mattress. Specifically that IKEA one. Also, you better have a boxfan; he needs one of those to sleep too.

Michael seems like a jerk.

Yeah… whatever. You put him in this situation. You have literally made your bed, and now you have to lie in it… with Michael.

Okay, I’m just going to sleep now. Let him be miserable.

Good luck!

Get out of my dreams, get into my apartment.

So, it’s been like four hours and he’s still up reading.

Yes. Is he still on his first book?

Holy hell, he’s on his second. He brought two books?


Goddam, I feel really sorry for him.

Just you wait… Go back to sleep.

Convenient storage space too!

What is that sound?

Oh, I said both of you would be miserable.

Seriously, what is it? It sounds like he’s eating ribs.

That’s right, he smacks his mouth in his sleep. He doesn’t do it all the time though.

Oh thank god…

He’ll switch to snoring if he can find a comfortable position.


Shit is right. Have you noticed the sweating?

Sweating? How could he? It’s really cold in here… You’re right! He’s sweating a lot.

Yeah that happens too. Happy?

No, of course not. I’ll just try to sleep through it I guess.

Sweet dreams! See ya soon!

Seriously, buy this futon. It costs like 200 bucks and it has been the best thing that has happened in my life.

What the hell? 

Oh, up so soon?

Yeah, he just woke me up. He’s only been sleeping for like 3 hours. The sun is just rising now!

That’s how it works! You’ve just spent a night with Michael. Excuse him while he goes to find a futon by himself to get some real rest.

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