Wedding Recap

I went to a really fun wedding over the weekend. Here’s a list of things before I forget them:

  • The groom offered me $30 before the ceremony started to interrupt the wedding during the “Please speak now or forever hold your peace” part. I did not accept the offer
  • I tried about 3 times to get people to start skinny dipping. No one ever joined me
  • Indian food is delicious
  • Jumping off a boathouse roof is a lot of fun. It is even more fun if I’m skinny dipping
  • As part of the Jewish ceremony, I helped lift a guy in a chair above my head
  • I’m attracted to girls with dreadlocks
  • I played a shofar
  • Drawing a dick on anything makes it funnier. This applies to wedding cards
  • I could probably develop a full comedy set that only has jokes about doing standup comedy
  • I lost money gambling on the length of the wedding ceremony
  • Sam and Eloise are an awesome couple
  • I won money gambling on poker
  • I got to waterski
  • The wedding was on an island
  • Even though I don’t know what a “turnpike” is, I drove on the turnpike in New Jersey
  • “I Saw Her Standing There” is my new favorite song
  • I slept in a room that was pretty much just a giant parrot cage
  • Parrots are fucking loud
  • I talked to a girl in a hottub
  • I don’t like champagne except in a mimosa
  • I can iron a shirt, but not very well
  • I played ukulele with some really talented people. I tried to sing a song too. They weren’t mean to me
  • I really enjoy dancing at weddings

What I’ve Learned From Econ 101

I’m listening to the final lecture of my summer Economics class. For the last month, I’ve sat in this class four days a week for over three hours a day. Here’s what I’ve learned:

  • My computer battery can last for just over 3 hours if I’m just browsing the internet (but only 2 hours if I’m playing spider solitaire)
  • It’s cold enough in this classroom that I need to wear a sweatshirt
  • People aren’t talkative on facebook chat until at least 11am
  • The kid next to me carries around (and actually uses) 6 pens of various colors
  • I have almost complete story outlines of plays comically adapting Mama Mia and The Great Gatsby
  • Similarly, I’m awful at playwriting
  • Reddit is a lot of fun, but becomes really depressing after the first hour
  • I can’t think of an effective way to steal a chair from the union
  • Watching videos of poker champs doing tricks with their chips isn’t making me better at poker
  • Naperville residents love heroin and hate smart meters
  • I’m never going to be able to actually try standup comedy. I’d love to, but I can’t seem to write material that I think is worth performing
  • The view outside the window to my left is one of my favorite things on campus. I can only see leaves and sky
  • The bathrooms in the social sciences building may be the worst on campus (with the exception of memorial union)
  • 15 minutes is an awful amount of time to take a break from classes. I imagine it’s ideal for smokers though
  • No one is worth following on twitter
  • 9am is too early for everything

Adventures In Online Dating: Part II

As I explained in an earlier post, I’m socially retarded so I’ve started online dating. You can see my actual profile at But like, whatever.

A photo of me socializing with girls at a party

It’s been about 3 months that I’ve had my account on OkCupid, and I’d like to say that I’m totally great at online dating. The key to success in online dating is to open conversation in an interesting (and fun!) way. Find a common interest and keep it short and jocular!


Throw in some friendly physical contact into it while you’re at it too.

Nailed it!

Somehow, those messages both got responses from women. Dating Tip: Those were sent out while I was drunk! For best results though, throw in a personal, open-ended question that let’s them talk about their interests and themselves.


So yeah, I totally rock at online dating now. So since then, I’ve been getting artsy with my posts. I always enjoy debates in a relationship, so why not just begin with one?

She opened her profile with a tirade against cargo shorts. Oh you!

Or… why not make wild assumptions about her profile?

Get out of my dreams, and get into my other dreams about The Mighty Ducks

Or just write a message with the most awkward segue possible!

Jokes jokes jokes jokes jokes

But I digress. The fastest way to a woman’s heart is obviously… poetry.

I’m sorry I didn’t meet all your specifications. But I totally know haikus!

Dating Tip: Except for the first two and the Mighty Ducks one, none of those messages got responses!

The 9 Stages Of Summer School

1. Focus

“I am actively listening and participating in the lecture! Notes are being taken on my computer and graphs are drawn into my handy notebook. I am experiencing a productive morning!”

Duration: 15 minutes

2. Anger

“This is the third time we’ve calculated expected price. How can we still be solving for the intersection of two lines? Did someone just ask for the equation for area of a triangle?!”

Duration: 5 minutes

3. Boredom

“Could I steal a chair from Memorial Union and get away with it? Even though it’s crazy, I’m pretty sure that a boat would be the best getaway vehicle. The chairs are right by the docks and how would they chase us via boat? I don’t have a boat though…”

Duration: 25 minutes

4. Reading

“I’ve already read all the daily comics (SMBC and xkcd) and articles… did The Last Psychiatrist update today? No… I guess I’ll just browse Jezebel and reddit for a while… Also, why do I keep reading Jezebel?”

Duration: 60 minutes

5. Homework

“Wow, are they still talking about finding the intersection of two lines? I reckon if I showed them calculus, their heads will all explode. I guess I should prove my worth by finishing up homework now.”

Duration: 15 minutes

6. Creeping

“This is at least the 9th time this summer that that kid has worn his ‘Fight Inc.’ shirt. One time he did it two days in a row, for fucks sake! Is he trying to show that he can fight anyone in the class? Yeah, he’s probably the toughest. What’s the cute girl count today? Let’s say 6. Girl in the front row is totally rocking that summer dress. I think I saw her at The Plaza last Thursday. I wonder if she recognizes me…”

Duration: 20 minutes

7. Writing

“Okay, let’s throw something down on paper. If the whole astrophysicist profession doesn’t work out, I’ll always have writing. Eh, probably not a career option though. Anywho, let’s get crackin’! Has anyone done a comical retelling of The Great Gatsby? I mean, I’d make it a whole new story, but it’d still be the same character arc. Just like The Lion King did to Hamlet! Should I actually read Gatsby before I write this? Nah, the wikipedia page should be enough.”

Duration: 40 minutes

8. Hunger

“I should’ve brought food. I always tell myself, ‘Oh Mike, let’s bring a sandwich to class tomorrow so I’ll feel full’ but I never actually seriously think about it until I’m walking out the door and it’s too late. It’s not even that I’m hungry because it’s the morning, but also probably because I ate a lot of popcorn for dinner last night. I don’t mean that a lot of my dinner was popcorn, I mean that my dinner was just a lot of popcorn. Should I get pizza today? Ugh, I should get something relatively healthy. What about chicken? That’s healthy, I’m pretty sure… Oh shit! What about chicken wings? Ahhh, is it weird if I go to Buffalo Wild Wings alone? Screw it, I’m going for it after class.

Duration: 10 minutes

9. Impatience

“Yeah, I’m going to cut out 5 minutes early.”

Duration: 30 seconds

Atheists And The Internet

As a leader of a student atheist club, I’ve been enjoying the job of facebook page moderator. Or, trying to enjoy it, more accurately. There are quite a few atheists I know who are prone to speak with the same angry and stubborn tongue that they accuse the religious of having (They would respond “But I’m right!” and I would respond “But you’re being an asshole!”). As much as I will complain about any commenters though, I am always extremely hesitant to completely ban them. Unfortunately, bannings are necessary when the commenters fail to understand the purpose of the group (it is to foster a community for freethinkers, not to endlessly debate others, by the way). Here are my own beliefs on the AHA facebook page:

What I Love

  • Conciseness
  • Humor
  • Asking a blanket personal question to members of the group (i.e. “My mom still makes me go to church. Is anyone else coerced into participating in religion still?”)
  • Discussion on interesting topics (i.e. “Should atheists take to heart Phil Plait’s speech on not being a dick?”)
  • Posting an article/photo/video/comic/quote that involves religion/atheism/freethought
  • Posting about AHA events or complimenting the wonderful leadership

What I Hate

  • Longwinded posts which take forever to wrap up and don’t seem to quite ever to get to the point (or just verbosity)
  • Challenging the veracity of beliefs of atheists (i.e. evolution or the existence of god or truth of the bible). This is not to say that those discussions shouldn’t happen (they should happen!), but those discussions are redundant and boring and fail to foster the atheist community of Madison. Do it elsewhere please
  • Anything regarding politics which isn’t directly related to religion (but abortion, stem cell research, women’s rights, and gay rights are usually acceptable topics for me if religion appears to be a motivator for opinions)
  • People being rude to each other
  • Commenters not listening when they are told to stop discussion in a thread because they are off topic
  • Posting multiple comments in a row because it means they’re just writing stream of consciousness style and aren’t constructing a cohesive point
  • Overposting. If I see your face a lot on the page, I imagine that I should see your actual face at a lot of AHA meetings too
  • Plugging your blog/book/band
  • Spamming the page with big dick porn
  • Anything hateful about any group
  • Spelling or grammatical mistakes. I don’t actually care about the mistakes, but these are signs that you aren’t proofreading your content and I want to make sure you’ve fully thought out anything before you post
  • Anything about sports
  • Posts asking if theres a meeting on a Wednesday during the school year (N.B. The answer if always “Yes, sorry that I forgot to send out the email yet because I’m an idiot”)(Also, I’m only upset at this question because it’s my own damn fault)

Cooking To Survive: A Guide

N.B. I totally stole this idea from Val. You can read the (better) article here 

Due to the rising prices of out of state tuition and crude oil, I have had to drastically change my diet. Luckily, as a proper outdoorsman and miser, I know how to properly scavenge for food on the cheap! Here’s the main food groups:


This is probably the cheapest full meal you can make yourself. You can buy a big bag of tortillas for like 2 dollars and a giant block of cheese for 4. That’s like 10 full meals right there. Just chop off some cheese and throw it in the tortillas. Put the frying pan on medium and cook until black. Well, preferably dark brown but close enough. Cooking tip: put your smoke alarms back in once you’re done cooking! If you’re feeling fancy (or just need the protein to not die), put some ham in it. If your roommates are making steak, sneak some leftovers and put that in too!


Buy a bunch of them! Cooking tip: that’s a pun! Bananas are super cheap and 4 will make a pretty good meal. I like to buy a big carton of strawberry yogurt and dip my way through it with a few bananas. Cooking tip: this meal won’t actually make you feel full! You’ll want to use greek yogurt but they don’t sell costco size greek yogurt anywhere I can find, so just stick to regular.


You’ve got some extra tortillas, so why don’t you make yourself a jam sandwich? Cooking tip: that’s when you jam two tortillas together with hummus in the middle! Choosing your hummus can be a challenge. Intuition tells me to avoid Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods and anything that hates gluten and chemicals, but they really do have the tastiest hummus for a good price. I recommend you try the garlic hummus from Trader Joe’s. They also have a pesto flavor that I’m dying to try as well.

Rice & Beans

I guess the biggest problem with making rice and beans is that it takes like 40 minutes to properly make. But if you go all out and make a big pot, you’ve got lunches for a whole week. Cooking tip: red beans are tastier than black beans! Just buy the boxed stuff from Zatarain’s. It’s totally decent and the store brand will probably be awful. It’s got so much protein that you’ll actually feel full!

Ham & Cheese Rollups

Don’t buy anything for this. Just throw some ham and cheese on a tortillas. If you feel fancy, put some yellow mustard on it. Cooking tip: You won’t feel fancy though, you’ll feel like a hobo.

Eating Out

About once a week, I can’t stand those 5 food groups, so I go ahead and binge eat at one of the following restaurants. It resets my palate and allows me to continue eating awful food!

Pizza Di Roma

Easily the best pizza on campus, Pizza Di Roma knows how to make a good ol’ slice. Everyone goes nuts for Ian’s, but you need to get past their gimmicks of putting everything (fries, hamburgers, legos, etc.) on their pizzas. Just get the pepperoni pizza at Roma and you’re in for a great meal.


I guess you can go to Jimmy John’s if you’re in a big hurry, but Potbellies is totally tastier. Just get the big ham sandwich on wheat and you’ll be happy. Cooking tip: they only have deli mustard so bring your own yellow mustard!

A8 China

Just with the other restaurants I visit, I only order one dish ever. For A8, I only eat the sesame chicken with fried rice. Cooking tip: The lady that takes your order is super mean!