Breaking Bad Drinking Game

Breaking Bad is easily one of my favorite shows, so I invented an easy drinking game to play while watching it. Enjoy!

  • If the episode begins with a mysterious shot that doesn’t make sense until the end of the episode, take a drink
  • If Walt Jr. complains, take a drink
  • If Walt yells at Jesse, take a drink
  • If someone gets shot, take a shot
  • If someone says “cook”, take a drink
  • If Walt lies to Skyler, take a drink and feel bad
  • If someone says “Winnebago”, take a drink
  • If someone mentions “Los Pollos Hermanos”, take a bite of chicken
  • If someone rings a bell, take a shot of tequila
  • If someone takes a shot of tequila, check it for poison
  • If Jesse says “yo”, “bitch”, or “Mr. White”, take a drink
  • If someone mentions Combo, pour one out
  • If Walt and Jesse cook meth, drink a beaker of blue curacao
  • If Ted says anything, take a drink and shred a document
  • If Gale says anything, take a drink of gluten-free Turkish coffee
  • If someone says “rock”, yell “mineral!” and take a drink of beer
  • If Saul does something illegal, take a drink
  • If Hank yells “Marie!”, steal something from an open house
  • If someone mentions “niacin”, take a drink
  • If Skyler stops talking to Walt, smoke a cigarette
  • If someone mentions the DEA, hide all your drugs
  • If Walt kills someone, take a shot
  • If someone breaks a cell phone, take a drink
  • If Jesse suggests a crazy solution to a problem, take a drink
  • If Gus speaks Spanish, take a shot of tequila (and throw it up 30 minutes later)
  • If Mike takes care of business, take a drink
  • If you feel ashamed at what Walter White has done, give your son a drink

Thoughts on “The Amazing Spider-Man”

I’m a huge fan of superhero origin stories. Specifically, I’m pretty sure that there’s no way that I can hate a Spiderman reboot. Anything that involves an awkward nerdy kid learning to develop the most objectively cool powers in the entire superhero mythos while making jokes about puberty is going to make me smile the entire time. Watching Andrew Garfield learn to use his newfound agility while skateboarding was probably one of my favorite scenes in the film. Outside of the things that would be in any Spiderman origin movie (Spiderman, super powers, cheesy jokes while fighting crime, web shooting, puberty jokes, Peter Parker making out with a cute girl), this movie did bring a little extra to the table. Most obvious is the chemistry between Garfield and Emma Stone.

“I hate mondays too!”

It’s just really fun to watch them together onscreen. What makes them so great is that we see their relationship evolve from extreme awkwardness. Peter Parker isn’t great with girls; in fact, he’s terrible. I feel that this is a love story in a superhero movie that I was interested in (unlike seriously every other superhero movie. I really can’t think of a one that I cared about). A big factor is probably that Emma Stone is cute as a button. The bangs don’t really work for me, but she’s the most likable love interest that I can think of in a superhero movie. Who’s the competition? Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dark Knight? Dunst in the other Spiderman movies? Pshhh, well, maybe Anne Hathaway will beat her out in Dark Knight Rises! (We shall see…)

The other strong part of the movie was the humor. Just like… good jokes, you know? They’re good.

Moving onto things that are mehhhhh, the aspect of superhero movies that I’m least interested in are the fight scenes. I know that they’re obligatory and necessary to furthering the plot, but I just don’t care. It isn’t fun to watch. It’s the same thing for Dark Knight and Iron Man (two of the best superhero movies of the last few years). I want to watch Batman yelling at the Joker and Ironman being snarky and charming in his lab. I find myself really uninterested when Batman has to go fight the Joker’s henchmen or Ironman has to fight Jeff Bridges. So yeah, Spider-Man suffers from the same problem. Watching Peter Parker fight a big CGI lizard just isn’t interesting to me.

Speaking of which, I didn’t like Curt Conners as a villain at all. Rhys Ifans is an awesome actor and all, but I didn’t find the lizard to be realistic.

Meh

Why not stick to a villain that can done without CGI? Doc Octapus, Shocker, Vulture, Green Goblin, Sandman…? Yeah, Spiderman doesn’t really have great enemies, but still! This just didn’t do it for me.

Also, I just don’t like Dennis Leary. He’s just not likable. He rose to fame, in fact, for a song in which he talks about how much an asshole he is. So, shame on the movie for putting him in a role in which I’m supposed to like him. It’s just not going to happen.

Oh, one more thing. There’s a scene in this movie which is seriously the most masturbatory American film moment in the history of film. I love it! After Spiderman is like… almost dead from being shot and fought and stuff, he needs to get to a building on the other side of town to save the girl, stop the bomb, save the town, and blah blah blah. Luckily for Spiderman, the construction workers of NYC all team up together to move their cranes so Spiderman can use them to swing across the city quickly. Then, they play patriotic music and a man stands in front of a giant American flag and says something to the effect of “We have to help Spiderman!” (this seriously happened). It’s great.

How do I add in a CGI eagle?

 

Just go watch the movie. It’s worth it. Andrew Garfield has cool hair. Emma Stone is cute. Spiderman shoots webs. Martin Sheen acts.

Your Trip Abroad

Your Trip Abroad

You have a trip abroad coming up! Congratulations. Traveling or living abroad is an important opportunity for personal growth that I believe everyone should experience at least once. But beyond the challenges of culture shock and adjusting your habits, there are a few things you should count on if traveling abroad for longer than a month, particularly if you are in a group setting. Read: Your time abroad will be much more like the movie Eurotrip than you hoped it would be.

1. Abdominal Discomfort
You can prepare for this in a number of ways, but it will happen. Whether it is the water or the sushi kiosk you visited last night, you will probably feel enough abdominal discomfort to stay home from one of the daytrips your group is planning. This is not necessarily food poisoning, but it might be. Ask your host mom in broken Spanish, but don’t worry too much about the language barrier, because she can tell by the way you are hunched over and gripping your abdomen. Also, this will happen the second you let your guard down and forgot to take the bacterial pills that are supposed to prevent this very situation. Give it 24 hours and also find a bathroom with soap and running water.

2. CraAzaAAzY Travel Stories
There’s no denying that a few excursions while abroad are a good time. With the right group of people, you might enjoy anything from mountainous beaches to hiking the lower reaches of a volcanic national park. Getting there is half the journey, though – or much more than half, once you are forced to hitchhike the remainder of the drive and pay the driver in small change or food, or something. It doesn’t matter though, because this story will be repeated at least a dozen times with slightly more exaggeration each time. When you actually remember the story yourself though, it won’t be nearly as eventful or interesting.

3. Rampant Hook-Ups
Unlike the previous two events which might be prevented with a little extra planning or foresight, rampant hook-ups are a completely unpreventable part of going abroad. Such are the romantic connections formed during three weeks abroad and that one time on the dance floor that a long-distance relationship seems feasible after returning home. I don’t want to be too cynical about this one, but please.

Fan Mail!

Just received some awesome fan mail from AB himself!

Anthony Bourdain
Brasserie Les Halles
411 Park Ave. South
New York, NY 10016
USA

Dear Val,

It has come to my attention that you have made an unauthorized use of my copyrighted work entitled Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (the “Work”) in the preparation of a pretty cool blog derived therefrom. I have reserved all rights in the Work, which was first appeared on the Travel Network some years back.

Your work entitled “Valerie Bourdain: No Reservations” and which appears on your otherwise hilarious blog is essentially identical to my show in quality and tastefulness, and I unfortunately have to take legal action (you know…formalities!).

You neither asked for nor received permission to use the Work as the basis for “Valerie Bourdain: No Reservations” nor to make or distribute copies of it, even though the idea is pretty funny. Therefore, I believe you have willfully infringed my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as your next paycheck – which, judging from previous references in your blog, is not very high! (Sorryz!)

Although I’ve enjoyed such classics as “Adventure in Online Dating,” “Three Favorite Bathrooms,” and your first edition of “Cooking Corner,” I demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from the Work, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you deliver to me, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights in the future.

If I have not received an affirmative response from you, in addition to your autograph, by 07/31/2012 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall consider taking any and all legal remedies available to rectify this situation, including curtailing my blog viewership to twice a day.

Sorry guys.

Tony

Valerie Bourdain: No Reservations

Three weeks ago, I arrived in San Jose, Costa Rica, for my first ever trip to Latin America. I’ve enjoyed my host family, the traveling I’ve been able to do, and the friends I’ve made during my time here so far. Along the way, I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks for those looking to explore the land Down Under (North America):

1. Bring – and wear- the money belt you packed.
Sure, almost nothing will hide that bulk beneath your shirt unless you decide to tie a sweater around your waist. Hint: The money belt looks and feels stupid until you’re almost robbed in the park while searching through your purse!

2. Get used to different customs!
Rice and beans will be served at any and all times of the day. Also, one of the primary dishes – rice, beans, and meat mixed together – is called casado in Spanish, which means “married.” Hint: People are not asking if you would like to be married right before they serve you food. 

3. Play it by ear!
If you decide to undertake an exploration of your surroundings, congratulations! What will follow is a challenging journey, both mentally and physically, involving faltering taxis, shady directions, and otherwise unreliable means of travel. The result, albeit rewarding, will probably set you back at least $50 more than planned and frustrate you into silence with the friends you are traveling with. Hint: You will arrive at the national park at least 2 hours later than planned, so don’t worry about the morning rain forecast!

4. Did you say bus schedule?
Nope!

5. Immerse yourself…
In Spanish! Hint: You will be much more comfortable communicating in Spanish after three Imperials – the national beer of Costa Rica. 

6. Haggle!
This is an important part of travel many Americans neglect to take advantage of. By haggling, you cut down on all kinds of costs, including the peanut butter and tissues you are buying. Try out your local supermarket. Hint: They are a national chain and this will not work. They will also not understand your “haggling” gesture. Why didn’t you look it up in Spanish first?

How To Write A Passive Aggressive Blog Post

Sometimes, people like to write passive aggressive blog posts (you know who you are). But if you’re not an experienced blogger, you might need some tips!

1. Know The Characters

It’s important to make sure that readers will immediately know who the characters are in your post (don’t worry, there’s only two!). Firstly, we have the enemy. This can seriously be anyone you know, as long as you’ve decided that he or she has slighted you in some way in your life. How petty can the slight be? That’s for you to choose, because you are the other character! You are the victim, the hero, and most importantly, the main character! When the antagonist does something bad, it’s because the antagonist is a bad person. But when you do something bad, it’s actually not bad. That’s the magic of characters! Example:

So I was minding my own business on Saturday when she decided to ruin my night. For the past few months, I’ve been putting up with her crap all the time.

2. Be Subjective

Narcissism is the main force behind a passive aggressive note, so you need to kick it to 11 and turn off your objectivity. Subjectivity will help reinforce the characters and their roles. Don’t worry about wasting your empathy on the enemy, because after reading this, the audience will clearly empathize with you! Example:

How could she go ahead and do this to me? I would never write a passive aggressive blog about anyone and then she goes ahead and does it to me.

3. Be Specific

The purpose of your note is to confront the enemy without actually… well, confronting him or her. Without face to face contact, they might not be sure who you’re talking about though, so you need to be specific about your story! I suppose it is possible to use the persons name, but as a passive aggressive person, you’re unlikely to do that. Be thorough then! Make sure to mention very specific social situations that you’ve been in; leave no doubt in the readers mind that you’re actually talking about him or her! Example:

I mean, I’ve been blogging with her for over a year now and she’s the girlfriend of my oldest friend. I don’t want to say your name, but I feel like you’ve betrayed me.

4. Be Confident

Confidence is important. Put confidence into the way you tell the story and the way you label the characters. You need the audience to see your way, so give them no doubt that you are telling this story exactly as it happened, even if you might not actually know the whole story. Also, you probably lack a considerable amount of confidence in real life if you’re writing a passive aggressive blog post, but it’s easy to feel confident when you push “publish” when you’re alone at your computer! Example:

Why would you go out of your way to write a post like that? You’ve posted like only once in the last four months, so it’s pretty obvious that you just want to hurt me.

5. Be Cryptic

Yeah, this actually breaks rule number 3, but I guess the only important rule is to reinforce the identity of the characters (you are good, the enemy is bad). Anyways, you should speak cryptically and ambiguously whenever you can. It will make you seem darker and more mysterious, and it can also help mask your own insecurities! An easy way to do this is to mention a person from your past who is similar to your enemy. Example:

This reminds me of the times I used to have with Chris. We got along so well… and you know the rest I guess.

 

6. Make It Visible

What’s the point of a passive aggressive blog post if it isn’t available for all (including your enemy) to see? If your blog post isn’t automatically published to your facebook page, post it yourself! You’re almost done!

7. Feel Superior

If you’re this far into a passive aggressive note, you probably don’t need to be told this! Cheers! Example:

I hope that you’re happy with your childish passive aggressive blog writing. Good luck living with yourself now.

Failed Post

I wanted to write a blog post about things that I don’t understand. But, by that concept, I don’t really have much to write on it. Here’s as far as I got.