How To Write A Passive Aggressive Blog Post

Sometimes, people like to write passive aggressive blog posts (you know who you are). But if you’re not an experienced blogger, you might need some tips!

1. Know The Characters

It’s important to make sure that readers will immediately know who the characters are in your post (don’t worry, there’s only two!). Firstly, we have the enemy. This can seriously be anyone you know, as long as you’ve decided that he or she has slighted you in some way in your life. How petty can the slight be? That’s for you to choose, because you are the other character! You are the victim, the hero, and most importantly, the main character! When the antagonist does something bad, it’s because the antagonist is a bad person. But when you do something bad, it’s actually not bad. That’s the magic of characters! Example:

So I was minding my own business on Saturday when she decided to ruin my night. For the past few months, I’ve been putting up with her crap all the time.

2. Be Subjective

Narcissism is the main force behind a passive aggressive note, so you need to kick it to 11 and turn off your objectivity. Subjectivity will help reinforce the characters and their roles. Don’t worry about wasting your empathy on the enemy, because after reading this, the audience will clearly empathize with you! Example:

How could she go ahead and do this to me? I would never write a passive aggressive blog about anyone and then she goes ahead and does it to me.

3. Be Specific

The purpose of your note is to confront the enemy without actually… well, confronting him or her. Without face to face contact, they might not be sure who you’re talking about though, so you need to be specific about your story! I suppose it is possible to use the persons name, but as a passive aggressive person, you’re unlikely to do that. Be thorough then! Make sure to mention very specific social situations that you’ve been in; leave no doubt in the readers mind that you’re actually talking about him or her! Example:

I mean, I’ve been blogging with her for over a year now and she’s the girlfriend of my oldest friend. I don’t want to say your name, but I feel like you’ve betrayed me.

4. Be Confident

Confidence is important. Put confidence into the way you tell the story and the way you label the characters. You need the audience to see your way, so give them no doubt that you are telling this story exactly as it happened, even if you might not actually know the whole story. Also, you probably lack a considerable amount of confidence in real life if you’re writing a passive aggressive blog post, but it’s easy to feel confident when you push “publish” when you’re alone at your computer! Example:

Why would you go out of your way to write a post like that? You’ve posted like only once in the last four months, so it’s pretty obvious that you just want to hurt me.

5. Be Cryptic

Yeah, this actually breaks rule number 3, but I guess the only important rule is to reinforce the identity of the characters (you are good, the enemy is bad). Anyways, you should speak cryptically and ambiguously whenever you can. It will make you seem darker and more mysterious, and it can also help mask your own insecurities! An easy way to do this is to mention a person from your past who is similar to your enemy. Example:

This reminds me of the times I used to have with Chris. We got along so well… and you know the rest I guess.

 

6. Make It Visible

What’s the point of a passive aggressive blog post if it isn’t available for all (including your enemy) to see? If your blog post isn’t automatically published to your facebook page, post it yourself! You’re almost done!

7. Feel Superior

If you’re this far into a passive aggressive note, you probably don’t need to be told this! Cheers! Example:

I hope that you’re happy with your childish passive aggressive blog writing. Good luck living with yourself now.

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