Guest Post: Tips on how to spend your first winter break back at home

This post comes from Val’s sister: Sonja!

  1. Moderate time spent with your family. It’s all fun and smiles at first, but they’ll soon start to resent you for your sleeping habits and lack of productivity. Plan your day so you’ll be sleeping when they wake in the morning, and you’ll be out with your friends when they come back in the evening. Tops, spend like 1-2 hours with them a day.
  2. Don’t see all the movies you’ve been planning to see for months in a 2 day period. Space them out so you have something else to do during break. Also, if blood and gore isn’t your thing, don’t see Django: Unchained.
  3. Who suggested going to see Django? You hate bloody movies. Although Pulp Fiction was enjoyable, you aren’t usually a fan of Tarantino films. Why didn’t you see Les Mis instead? Anne Hathaway was supposedly really good in that.
  4. Make plans with your friends early. Some of them go to a different school, and their breaks end much earlier than yours. Three of them left before you even thought of contacting them, and they were the only ones you really wanted to see. Now you’re stuck with second-rate high school “friends” if you don’t want to see Django alone.
  5. Catch up with pop culture when you’re home. Most likely you didn’t keep with JBieb or Ke$ha while you were at school, see what they’re up to. Are they still popular? Should you still like their music?
  6. Your dog got cuter while you were gone. Take lots of pics! Maybe he’ll go back to normal when you come in the summer, get evidence of him being adorable while you still can.
  7. Keep some resolutions. You started a diary, keep up the charade for at least another month. Also, you really should go to the gym more. Dorm food over a long period of time can’t be good.
  8. Don’t pack last minute! You’ll forget your phone charger again…
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A Letter To A Former Blogger

Welcome to a new year of blogging from Mike and Val! This year, we hope to expand our horizons as a blog and add a new blogger to our team. We worked hard last year to start a video-game section of our blog, but as you may have noticed, it failed to come to fruition. Here is one our letters from the process:

Dear [REDACTED],

We thank you for your prompt submission and your clear zest for creative writing, but at this time we are unable to accept your first article. Here are a few notes before you submit another draft:

1. Keep an eye on the word count! The 12 pages you sent to us was way too long for an article on our site. Please keep all submissions between 400 and 600 words.

2. Stay on prompt! We asked you to review a recent video game and you spent most of the article on what could be best described as a diatribe against our blog. While you did briefly mention that “‘Sleeping Dogs’ sucked almost as many dicks as Mike and Val collectively sucked in the month of July”, we would strongly prefer a stronger analysis of the game and fewer personal attacks.

3.  Please avoid discussion of sex! The section describing a fictional sex scenario between Samus Aran of Metroid and Master Chief of Halo was overly explicit and obviously unrealistic. You used one whole page to describe how “Master Chief repeatedly, angrily penetrated Samus’ soul with his eyes” and another page detailing only the differences between Samus’ right and left breasts. Please keep content like this to a minimum in further posts.

4. Be mindful to readers of various cultures! After you pointed out multiple times in the first two paragraphs how “Mike and Val’s Blog exists solely to inflict written racial hatred towards Chinese-Americans”, we find it ironic that you spent the next five paragraphs trying to (and we will quote you because it is the most succinct way of describing it) inflict written racial hatred towards Chinese-Americans.

5. Check for spelling and grammar errors! You begin every paragraph with “Heres another reason why htis blog scuks”. Try to limit copy-pasting text, as it is repetitive and give your article a thorough read-through before submission.

6. Make sure that you follow the law in any blog post you write! The final section of the article solely explains how you plan to hack our blog and hold it ransom until we “send a blank check to my address and get the fuck out the blogging business forever”. It may be illegal to even publish that, so make sure it isn’t in the final draft!

We had such high hopes from your sample pieces that you sent in, so we really hope you can manage this article into something worthy of publishing on the site. We await your next draft.

Thanks,

Mike and Val