A Letter To A Former Blogger

Welcome to a new year of blogging from Mike and Val! This year, we hope to expand our horizons as a blog and add a new blogger to our team. We worked hard last year to start a video-game section of our blog, but as you may have noticed, it failed to come to fruition. Here is one our letters from the process:

Dear [REDACTED],

We thank you for your prompt submission and your clear zest for creative writing, but at this time we are unable to accept your first article. Here are a few notes before you submit another draft:

1. Keep an eye on the word count! The 12 pages you sent to us was way too long for an article on our site. Please keep all submissions between 400 and 600 words.

2. Stay on prompt! We asked you to review a recent video game and you spent most of the article on what could be best described as a diatribe against our blog. While you did briefly mention that “‘Sleeping Dogs’ sucked almost as many dicks as Mike and Val collectively sucked in the month of July”, we would strongly prefer a stronger analysis of the game and fewer personal attacks.

3.  Please avoid discussion of sex! The section describing a fictional sex scenario between Samus Aran of Metroid and Master Chief of Halo was overly explicit and obviously unrealistic. You used one whole page to describe how “Master Chief repeatedly, angrily penetrated Samus’ soul with his eyes” and another page detailing only the differences between Samus’ right and left breasts. Please keep content like this to a minimum in further posts.

4. Be mindful to readers of various cultures! After you pointed out multiple times in the first two paragraphs how “Mike and Val’s Blog exists solely to inflict written racial hatred towards Chinese-Americans”, we find it ironic that you spent the next five paragraphs trying to (and we will quote you because it is the most succinct way of describing it) inflict written racial hatred towards Chinese-Americans.

5. Check for spelling and grammar errors! You begin every paragraph with “Heres another reason why htis blog scuks”. Try to limit copy-pasting text, as it is repetitive and give your article a thorough read-through before submission.

6. Make sure that you follow the law in any blog post you write! The final section of the article solely explains how you plan to hack our blog and hold it ransom until we “send a blank check to my address and get the fuck out the blogging business forever”. It may be illegal to even publish that, so make sure it isn’t in the final draft!

We had such high hopes from your sample pieces that you sent in, so we really hope you can manage this article into something worthy of publishing on the site. We await your next draft.

Thanks,

Mike and Val

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