7 Rules For A Successful Double Date

I like my dates like I like my tea: with two honeys. Whatever. You probably already knew this, but Val and I are huge fans of double dates.

Val, Chris, and myself on a double date [my date not pictured]
Myself, Chris, and Val on a double date [my date not pictured]
You name the place, and we’ve been there on a double date. Giordano’s? Double date! Museum of Science and Industry? Double date! Simply put: we’re pros, so I’ve compiled a list of tips to help you if you ever go on a double date. Good luck!

A double date that didn't go great (I felt kind of excluded)
A double date that didn’t go great (I felt kind of excluded)

1. Dress The Part

A double date isn’t just a chance to have a good time, it’s also an opportunity to show the other couple that you’re in a happier/healthier relationship. The best way to show this is obviously by coordinating with your date to make sure you two are wearing matching outfits. So go out and buy a pair of matching overalls or maybe just wear the same colors. Either way, the other couple will be beside themselves with jealousy.

2. Conversation Cards

Whether one of the couples is meeting for the first time, or you’ve all known each other all your lives, a lull in the conversation can bring a double date into a dangerous boredom. To combat this, bring a set of (laminated) conversation cards to help move the conversation along onto a more interesting topic! Here’s a few that I bring to every double date:

  • What is your favorite color/are you colorblind?
  • Which areas of politics are you the most passionate about?
  • Roe or Wade?
  • Sports?
  • What’s the deal with laundromats?

3. Alcohol

There’s no social lubricant like alcohol (well, possibly ecstasy), so be sure to grab some brewskis for your double date! If one of the members of the group doesn’t drink/is an alcoholic, just try to convince them just to have the one drink. You’ll be saying hello to fun in no time! I’d strongly advise getting the Margaritas at Chili’s.

4. Don’t hit on the other persons date

With all that alcohol in your system, you may be tempted to hit on your friend’s date in order to “upgrade” date partners. This is generally frowned upon and rarely works. This is (one of) the reasons why I’m not allowed back in the chemistry fraternity on campus.

5. Choose the right movie

A film just might be the perfect way to spend a double date, but make sure it’s going to work well for everyone. While Passion of the ChristShawshank Redemption, A Clockwork Orange, and There Will Be Blood are excellent movies (and I’d recommend them for  experienced couples going on a double date), I’d stick with something easy to digest such as Napoleon Dynamite or Wayne’s World 2. The movie should be relaxing enough to snuggle up to your date, but also interesting enough to have a good conversation about over drinks after!

6. Ecstasy

If you feel like the date isn’t going as well as you’d hoped, why don’t you offer the group some ecstasy? It’ll help lower your inhibitions and let the happiness flow through you like the red sun. Sit back and enjoy the flowing, mysterious waters of your mind ebb into the cosmos and just live it. (Note: be sure to drink enough water so you don’t die of dehydration)

7. Foursome?

Who says the date has to end after you leave the bar? Keep the momentum going and take a cab back to your place. Be sure to lay down a large tarp and have some fun!


Adventures In Online Dating: Part II

As I explained in an earlier post, I’m socially retarded so I’ve started online dating. You can see my actual profile at http://www.okcupid.com/profile/MikeWhatever. But like, whatever.

A photo of me socializing with girls at a party

It’s been about 3 months that I’ve had my account on OkCupid, and I’d like to say that I’m totally great at online dating. The key to success in online dating is to open conversation in an interesting (and fun!) way. Find a common interest and keep it short and jocular!


Throw in some friendly physical contact into it while you’re at it too.

Nailed it!

Somehow, those messages both got responses from women. Dating Tip: Those were sent out while I was drunk! For best results though, throw in a personal, open-ended question that let’s them talk about their interests and themselves.


So yeah, I totally rock at online dating now. So since then, I’ve been getting artsy with my posts. I always enjoy debates in a relationship, so why not just begin with one?

She opened her profile with a tirade against cargo shorts. Oh you!

Or… why not make wild assumptions about her profile?

Get out of my dreams, and get into my other dreams about The Mighty Ducks

Or just write a message with the most awkward segue possible!

Jokes jokes jokes jokes jokes

But I digress. The fastest way to a woman’s heart is obviously… poetry.

I’m sorry I didn’t meet all your specifications. But I totally know haikus!

Dating Tip: Except for the first two and the Mighty Ducks one, none of those messages got responses!

Adventures In Online Dating

A few weeks ago, I made an account on an online dating site on a whim. I mean, I know more than one (the number is “two”) friend who has started  relationship on there, so why not give it a try myself? Obviously, the reason is “because online dating has a stigma and only creepy, desperate people do it”. Well fuck you, I don’t care about a stigma and I’m totally happy being single. Except not really, so off to the world of online dating!

How am I possibly still single?!

Continue reading

Mike’s Guide To A Great First Date (With Mike)

So, you want to go on a date with me? Awesome. You have 4 options:

The Bowling Date

Ah bowling, the great American pastime. What would be better than to relax than to throw some 12 pounders down the lanes? Enjoy a $5 slice of pizza while we discuss whatever you feel like talking about. This date is right up your alley!


  • You’ll hear awesome puns like that last one
  • I’ll pay for the bowling; I’m not a cheap date!
  • People watching at bowling alleys is a lot of fun
  • You can beat me and I won’t get angry because I lost. I’m not very competitive with other people


  • I will not pay for your $5 pizza. Seriously, why would you even think to order that? Now we both know that I’m totally a cheap date
  • While I’m not competitive with other people, I’m extremely competitive with myself and I’ll get upset if I don’t break at least 160 (which I rarely get). You’ll stand by uncomfortably while I curse loudly at how much I suck at bowling
  • If this date is in the Naperville area, we’re going to have to go on a long, long drive because Brunswick Zone is really expensive and theres a ton of Neuqua kids there and I really doubt that you want to watch me say hello and catch up with every kid from my senior year physics class. So yeah, we’ll be driving to a really shady bowling alley in Aurora. But, thats why the people watching is so much fun!

The Chili’s Double
You’ve got a friend looking to get in on your going-on-a-date-with-me action? Have no fear, “The Chili’s Double” will work perfectly! Your friend is single? No problem, all of mine are too. Me and said friend will pick up you and yours at 6:00 and take you to be wined and dined at easily my favorite restaurant, Chili’s.
Have you had a burger there? Or a quesadilla? Oh my god, you haven’t? Prepare for a treat. You thought I was cheap with that bowling stuff, but any money put into a Chili’s bill is a great investment. Appetizers? Fuck yes, we’re getting a bottomless bowl of chips and salsa. And its only like a dollar and a half. If you’re impressed by fiscal responsibility, you’ve hit the jackpot.
You like desserts too, right? Well, lets see how full we feel after our meal. I mean, I don’t want to buy a whole bowl of ice cream if you aren’t going to finish it. You can box up your burger but you can’t box up ice cream to-go, so I’m not sure… Fine, we’ll get the ice cream.
As we enjoy the fantastic food as described above, you can listen to the clever banter between my friend and myself. Prepare for hi-liarious stories about our high school years and possibly other topics.
If you like delicious food and great company, this date is for you!


  • I really can’t overstate how much I enjoy the food at Chili’s
  • Hang out with your friend while on a date
  • Have fun socializing with me in a group setting


  • You hate Chili’s. Even after that whole spiel on Chili’s, you’ll only go begrudgingly. Why do women instinctively dislike Chili’s? I’m upset now

The Brian Date
There’s no better first date with me than “The Brian Date”! Curl up with me on a couch while we watch the classic Darabont film “The Shawshank Redemption”. Enjoy the sweeping landscapes of Maine and the soothing sounds of Morgan Freeman’s narration while I explain to you how:

you should really watch The Walking Dead. I mean, its gotten a lot worse in the last season, but its still a great transportation of the drama in Shawshank into a world filled with zombies. Well, now that I think about it, the drama has really been upped in the last season, so maybe it is the balance of the horror and drama that make the first season so amazing. But nonetheless, you should watch it sometime… With me, maybe?

So come spend a few hours at my place while we watch Andy Dufresne in his journey through a corrupt early American prison!


  • Its a wonderful movie
  • You get to listen to a sweet aria from a Mozart opera
  • Cuddling and such


  • A significant section of the movie involves prison rape. Like, I mean, theres 20 minutes just about how Andy tries to avoid being raped. We’ll both awkwardly watch in silence.
  • The movie is a lot longer than either of us will expect. Two and a half hours of sitting in silence kinda sucks for a date.

The Big-City Walkabout
You’re a woman of class, and you want a night on the town, so lets hit up the downtown area. Whether we’re in Madison, Naperville, Chicago, or Beloit, we’ll hit up the main plaza and enjoy what the city has to offer us. Is that a crepe stand? Hell yes! Crepes for two, si’l vous plait! We’ll wander the city, how about stopping in a Borders? Oh, they went bankrupt, Barns & Noble will do fine. We’ll talk about our favorite books and films and maybe I’ll even wear a tie.
We can walk through the bustling busy parts of the city or the calm open parks. Either way, this date is a great way to spend an afternoon!


  • Get to know me while exploring your local downtown area
  • Hand holding is certainly possible


  • Crepes are probably a bad idea. I get excited about crepes but almost always hate them. In theory, they’re awesome, but it just isn’t for me
  • Bookstore might be bad too… I’m not widely read at all, so if you expect me to know a lot of classic books, you’ll be disappointed. I mean, I did read Hamlet back in 7th grade, but people don’t consider that to be very impressive.
  • And television and film too. I mean I’ve seen a bit, but I’m very opinionated and like to argue about that type of stuff. So if you  really like watching “The New Girl” and can’t take some well deserved criticism on it, it might get weird.
  • Actually, if you’re into “The New Girl” this probably isn’t going to work out… I mean Zooey is super cute, but seriously dude.

Date Variations

While I only have 4 dates, there are a few variations that may throw the date into a whole new direction:

The Facial Growth
About every six months, I think that it’d be a great idea to grow out my facial hair. It looks dumb, but I’m going to do it anyways. Its totally possible that I’m somehow going to be able to grow a sweet beard.
So, if your date with me falls during this horrible time in my life, sorry.


  • None


  • It will look dumb
  • I’ll frequently bring attention to it by mentioning how dumb it looks. I will also try to come up with ridiculous excuses for growing it
  • I will shave it that night after the date, and awkwardly bring it up on our next date (if there is one) about “how dumb my face looked that day”

The Post-Run Date
Sometimes, I go for a giant run before a date. I’ll obviously shower beforehand, but I’m still going to be really lethargic the whole time while trying to impress you with how far I ran (“I mean, 6 miles really isn’t that much when you put it in context of the rest of my training regiment”)


  • I will be too tired to try to awkwardly make any awkward moves


  • Even if its been an hour since my run and my shower, I will still be sweating
  • I will complain about how hard my run was and you won’t be impressed

So yeah, lets do this