A Mystery In Rhyme (Part 1)

In a dark crummy office sat a silent detective
Without a case and without objective
His last case had failed to lead to conviction
and a letter on his desk read simply “EVICTION”.
He took a drag on his cigarette, leaned back in his chair
Nothing but silence and smoke filled the air.

With a knock on the door, the silence was cut.
He leaned his head back and mumbled “What?”
“Call on line one” said a feminine voice
And he picked up the phone as if he hadn’t a choice
It was a crying young woman, maybe even a girl
“There’s been a murder, are you Detective Squirrel?”

A Haiku About Life

too upset to write

where was my invitation

to see the hobbit

LiveTexting The Election!

6:17pm: “I dont have a smart phone, so can I live text you the election coverage?”

8:51pm: “I’m betting on this with my mom for 100 dollars. I don’t have 100 dollars”

9:27pm: “Floridas close… fucking val”

9:48pm: “Fuck yeah”

9:48pm: “Also, CNNs ballot cam is totally necessary”

9:50pm: Djibouti still not reporting in for election!

9:58pm: “I still don’t regret writing in for Anderson Cooper”

10:02pm: “What about me!”

10:02pm: “Sorry I’m drunk”

10:04pm: “You can’t trust what they’re saying. It’s only a projection! #InceptionOrElection?

10:10pm: [in response to drinking games being played during the election] Drink until it’s over, then call your mom and gloat that she owes you 100 bucks

Excerpts From My Diary

 Day 1:

My roommate Kyle informed me that he bought a pair of “raw denim” jeans. Apparently, it means that he paid extra money to buy jeans that haven’t been washed or factory distressed. This is really confusing for me and I think I’ll have to sleep on it.

Day 5:

I still don’t get it. I have so many questions!

• How are jeans “distressed”?
• Does someone run around in them for a while?
• How does this distressing and washing process reduce the value of jeans?
• Why the hell would companies do this?

Day 7:

Kyle says that the jeans are currently pretty tight and uncomfortable on him. He says that he’s supposed to wear the jeans every day for six months and they’ll gradually adjust to his body type. Then he’s allowed to wash them and then they’ll stay in their current shape.

• How many days would it take for my jeans to be covered in mustard stains?
• Is the average person realistically able to make it six months without spilling mustard on their jeans?
• Is it possible that the jeans don’t actually ever change shape? Customers just get used to always being uncomfortable in the jeans?
• What would happen if I wore them for like 5 hours every night while he slept?
• Would it slowly conform to my body shape and he’d be forced to give me his expensive jeans?
• Will Kyle become suspicious if his jeans become covered in mustard stains?

Day 8:

I have begun making nightly measurements of the dimensions of the jeans and using color swatches to mark the fading that occurs. Please see the other notebook for all further measurements.

Day 10:

I’ve begun a daily early morning run in the jeans at 7am while Kyle is asleep. I doubt he suspects anything and I feel that these jeans are slowly becoming accustomed to my body.

• Are the jeans becoming self-aware?

Day 13:

Kyle complained about his jeans smelling and bought a bottle of febreeze. To be safe, I will start wearing long underwear under the jeans during the morning runs. Also, he says I need to stop talking about these jeans.

• Does he really deserve these jeans?

Day 14:

Started a raw denim blog called “Raw Dog’s Denim Blog”. I hope it becomes successful.

Day 16:

Kyle is becoming suspicious and has started locking his door at night. I can hear the denim calling from beyond the closed door.

Day 17:

• What is it that makes us human?
• Is it our agency?
• Is it the fact that I have the ability to act in this world and make a difference?
• If not to influence the fit of these jeans, what else could I do in this world that actually matters?

Day 19:

Kyle caught me on my early morning run today. He was pretty upset and said I need to forget about the jeans. I told him I’d try.

Day 20:

Honestly, this issue is much bigger than Kyle understands. I’ve gone rogue.

Cover Letter

Community Hospital, Central Columbus

Dearest Ms. Emily Megan Hoondungus,

 

I am writing this letter to friendly inquire:

is your hospital is still looking for hire?

If yes, consider me for the position

of an on staff, General Pediatrician.

My qualifications, I have more than a few.

So if you please, I’ll just list them to you:

 

I received a Bachelor’s in Poetry in 2004

from “University of Whizzle-Thumb Joomjabbermore”

Graduated with honors and more than one minor

in Linguistics and Writing, there’s no finer rhymer!

I completed graduate school in 2008

with a doctorate’s in Rhyming from Ohio State

I developed a thesis through Professor Milton C. Huff

in the Department of English and… General Stuff.

While I may have not paid all my academic dues,

my skill as a wordsmith must have some pediatric use.

I have not spent my time curing pandemics,

or rather research with other academics.

I’ve spent my time writing, and it might just sound garish

that for me I felt it was publish or perish!

 

Nothing in this world would bring me greater enjoyment

Than becoming a doctor of your employment.

 

Sincerely,

A doctor of valuable use

 

Theodore Geisel (or Doctor Seuss)